life is.

my goings are of the Lord

2012-01-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

i am amazed by God.

today, i read the verse, "Man's goings are of the Lord; how can a man understand his own way?" and i started contemplating the fact that God has a plan for each and every human being on this planet. God is not only working in my life, but orchestrating the lives of everyone on this planet - and that is not from one moment to the next either... He has orchestrated it from beginning to end! and within such an intricate and massive conglomeration, He has some who willingly submit to His plan for them, while others outright defy it. they choose their own way because they think their way is better... which is absurd, but they don't know! they don't know that God has a specific plan for them. they don't know God! at least not truly... for if they did, surely they would submit their petty desires to the One Who wants only the best for each and every individual. He loves every person within the complex network of humanity, and for those who choose His way, everything works out quite perfectly. ("thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.") and for those who choose to reject His way... well, He still works things out perfectly! tragically, they simply lose the blessing that God had in store for them. He works through and with each choice that is made by BILLIONS of people!

i am in awe.

i cannot understand my own way, but i know the One Who has planned it!

the secret to a good life!

2012-01-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

ladies and gentlemen. boys and girls. i have, in fact, discovered the secret to a good life.

“For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile. Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.” ~ 1 Peter 3:10-11

i was going to expound upon this, but really there is no need. it's pretty basic - hold your tongue, do good, and seek out peace. probably easier said then done, but at least we know where to start!

silence

2012-01-16T16:54:00.000-08:00

i used to be afraid of it. subconsciously i believed that silence equalled loneliness. but that was the farthest thing from the truth. i had to be forced into silence to learn what great potential silence actually possessed.

i sat in my apartment. no television. no incoming text messages or phone calls. no internet access. the majority of my friends were across the country. the weather was rather inclement, and i wasn't planning on driving in it... my mind wandered, wondering what to do. i had already finished several books and wasn't really in the mood to read more. i had already done my workout for the day. my apartment was clean and organized. everything was ready for school the next day. it was too early to sleep...

silence.

i roamed my apartment. said some random things to myself. contemplated the fact that i might be going insane.

talk to me.

ummmm... hello?

be still.

oh my word, i am going crazy!

be still and know.

oh.

psalms 46:10 - be still and know that I am God...

job 37:14 - stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God...

ecclesiastes 3:7 - a time to keep silence...

truth be told, i'm not very good at shutting up... even more so, i am not very good at doing nothing. but there was something within me that wanted this silence - this stillness. so i sat down and just started contemplating what God was doing. soon i was thinking about all He had done, was doing, and would do. then, i started to realize how much i had not taken to the Lord - fears, hopes, desires, questions... so i started praying out loud.

have you ever done that?

i suggest you try it sometime. i have done it before, but this time was a little different... i think i was so much more openly honest then ever before... i think we often fool ourselves and forget that we aren't fooling God.

God truly used the silence that night to work in my life. now, instead of being forced into silence to grow closer to Him - to hear Him fully - i often seek out those incredibly long and quiet moments when i know i will hear His still, small voice.

reviewing, resolving.

2012-01-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

what is my first post of the year without a little review of 2011 and some resolutions for 2012?

i don’t know. you don’t know. and we never will! because that is exactly what this post will be.

2011 - oh nothing much happened... just moved ACROSS COUNTRY! from warm, sunny california to cold, snowy ohio. well... i suppose there are the steps that led up to the move across country, but we won’t get into those. all in all, i think 2011 was a great year. i set several 2011 resolutions and accomplished over three-fourths of them. however, i regret to say that last year i wanted to blog once a week and that did not happen... but there is marked improvement considering that in 2010 i only wrote five posts! so i resolved yet again this year to blog once a week... surely i can beat nineteen posts.

2012 - for me setting goals is not always about accomplishing all of them, but seeing growth in my life in all areas. personally, i have five different areas for which i set goals. i don’t mind sharing a few examples either... nothing like making something public to keep you motivated!

spiritual - growing in my relationship with the Lord

read my Bible through at least once
develop and use a prayer journal
take advantage of every opportunity to share the Gospel

physical - making changes to improve my overall health

drink less coffee and more green tea
take my daily vitamins
run a marathon

financial - saving for the future

put money into my savings account and keep it there
develop a budget and stick to it

mental/educational - stretching the mind and continually learning

take a sign language course
write daily
read 5 books a month

personal - doing things i want to do just for the sake of doing them

visit 5 new states
blog once a week
make a sock monkey

oh and let me share my verse for this year. i'm sure i have posted it on this blog before, but here it is...

Isaiah 26:3 - "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee:because he trusteth in thee."

i have no idea what this year will hold for me. i don't know whether or not there will be any significant changes. but i do know that no matter what, i want Christ to be my focus! i know that if i stay fixed upon Him, i will experience that "perfect peace" despite circumstance and change.

have you set any goals this year?

i tend to write often on goal setting... here are my previous posts:

goals.
i love failure.

my weakness. His strength.

2011-10-19T01:43:00.000-07:00

i cried for the first time in about five months... and i think for the first time in years, though the tears were few, it was actually worth crying over. God had been trying to get through my incredibly thick skull all day...

it began this morning when i finished reading 2 Corinthians, and i came across several impacting verses:

For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me. And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. (2 Corinthians 12:6-10)

throughout the rest of the day these words from a great song played through my head "...for strength begins when I trust in Him and I finally surrender all... In my weakness, He is strong; in His grace, I can press on... When I finally give in and turn to Him, then His strength can begin..." so i posted some of those words on facebook, yet the message had still not fully penetrated my being... then i read a dear friends blog, and what do you know? she also made reference to His strength only being shown in her weakness...

message still not through my nigh impervious skull. why was this message not getting through? possibly because i hadn't fully come to grips with just how weak i was.

finally, i lay in bed. i could not fall asleep, even though i knew i desperately needed it. then the thoughts began... i need to sleep but i can't. i need to live healthier, but i don't. i need to read more, but i can't find time. augh, i need to be better with my time! i need to give more of my time to God. oh, i need to find apartments Cleveland. and i need to pack for my trip tomorrow... and my trip next week. i need to sleep or i won't wake up on time for work. i need to work on being on time. i need to start packing my room. i need to spend time with my family and friends before i leave. i need to make arrangements for my drive across country. etc... then why is it that i know where i need to be in every area of life, and yet every area is lacking... and when i finally get one area down, another area suffers. it's impossible to be a spiritually sound, healthy, social, organized writer/reader/runner/friend/teacher/barista all at the same time... I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!

finally.

"...when i finally give in and turn to Him, then His strength can begin..."

that's when i cried... a tear came with broken pride. i had tried so hard to appear "put together" and here my silly little world was caving in. i opened my Bible and reread 2 Corinthians 12. i was right, i couldn't do it all. what i could do though, was surrender it all to Him, and He could work through it accordingly... after all, is it not God moving me to Cleveland? is it not God who gave me the desire to read and write? is it not God who desires me to be a healthy, balanced woman of God. is it not God who wants me too seek Him in everything?

tomorrow, i will carry on with my "put together" look. this time not because i have it all under control (i most certainly do not), but because He does, and i have nothing to fear when my life is in His mighty hands. john wesley once said, "i have so much to do that i must spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it." i believe as long as i seek Him daily and surrender my hours to Him, He will guide me to accomplish exactly what i need to accomplish that day.

that song later says, "His power I see is real in me, when weakness fills my life."

will you surrender your day to Him as well? will you find His strength in your weakness?

blessings

2011-09-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

we pray for blessings, we pray for peace
comfort for family, protection while we sleep
we pray for healing, for prosperity
we pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
all the while, You hear each spoken need
yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
what if Your healing comes through tears
what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

we pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
we doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
as if every promise from Your Word is not enough
all the while, You hear each desperate plea
and long that we'd have faith to believe

cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
what if Your healing comes through tears
what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
when friends betray us
when darkness seems to win
we know that pain reminds this heart
that this is not our home

what if my greatest disappointments
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
what if trials of this life
the rain, the storms, the hardest nights
are Your mercies in disguise

~"blessings" by laura story

the way.

2011-09-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

(Written June 10, 2011)

"And the angel of the Lord spake unto Philip saying, Arise, and go toward the south unto the way that goeth down from Jerusalem unto Gaza which is desert."

This verse impacted me more today then ever. I recalled something a preacher pointed out - Philip wasn't even called to a final destination, but rather, a way. This way was between to places... where he was and where he would eventually end up. Yet God had him specifically pass through that way. Since recent changes in my life, I have been struggling with what God has for me. I know He will lead me somewhere, but at this point I have no idea where. For a while, I kept thinking that I was not where I should be and a I needed to get there, but this verse made me realize something that has completely changed my perspective - God has led me to this way. I am exactly where I should be. This way is exactly where God has me for right now.

"...Philip continued on the way preaching in the cities along it, until he reached Caesarea."

What if he never went the way that God had called him to? What if he had demanded that God just tell him the final destination? He would have never shown the eunuch the Gospel and he would never have preached in the cities along the way to Caesarea. What all would he have missed? Who would have never heard the Gospel?

I do not believe that where I am right now is my final destination, but I am sure that God has led me to this way for His purpose. I want to do His will while I am here, and I want to be faithful until he takes me to whatever is "next."

(Written September 18, 2011)

The will of God never ceases to amaze me. In the last three months, I received several job offers. After much prayer and good counsel, I am happy to say that I have accepted a job that will be taking me to Cleveland, Ohio. Who knew?! I am so excited to see God continue to work in my life... as I continue on the way...

simple direction.

2011-08-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

proverbs 16:9 says “A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.” after i read that today, i started wondering what exactly the words deviseth and directeth meant and how did they compare. so i went to my dictionary and looked the words up. the word devise means “ to plan or invent (a complex procedure, system, or mechanism) by careful thought,” and the word direct means “extending or moving from one place to another by the shortest way without changing direction or stopping.” i thought it so interesting that man’s devising is often complex while the Lord’s directing is so simple - no changing, no stopping. i can plan my whole future in intricate detail, creating a complex map of where my life is headed, but when something doesn’t go according to my plan, i’ll have to create a whole new plan that adjusts to the unexpected - and the unexpected is to be expected. OR i can trust in a God who already knows my future and every road my life will take, therefore he directs me accordingly. and i know He is a loving God who only wants what is best for me, so i can trust every step He leads me to take. i think i’ll let Him lead. it’s so much simpler!

fireflies.

2011-06-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

the first time I encountered a firefly (lightning bug, as some call it) was in wisconsin. i was sitting on the dock, taking in the beauty of the lake and the trees and all else that my beloved desert lacks, when this floating light passed me... at first i squinted to be sure that i wasn't crazy... then i realized exactly what it was. i was so excited to finally see a firefly for the first time... then it was gone. later that night, i was curious, so i looked up what makes the little bug glow... as with most science, the technical jargon is beyond me, but basically fireflies contain special cells within them to make light. interesting, but i thought nothing more of it until almost three years later...

that was last summer, when I first visited indiana... we (my boyfriend at the time and i) had been picked up from the airport and were driving back... as i looked out the car window and into the darkness, i saw flickering lights along the side of the road. i wondered if i was really seeing anything or if it was just reflections of light from the car to whatever was around this area i was so unfamiliar with. finally, i asked what i was seeing. much to my delight, they were fireflies... this time not just one, but hundreds! i was captivated. i think i stared out the window for most of the drive catching glimpses of these fascinating creatures. my mind wandered... i remembered what i had read long ago about how they glowed... it was something inside them, shining outward, but only visible when it was dark...

Later during the trip, there was a big storm in the area, we were advised to either stay put at cracker barrel (delicious restaurant shout out... we need one of those in california) or try to get ahead of the storm and return home... we decided to beat the storm, so we quickly headed out and on our way... it was that night that i saw one of the most magnificent sights i have beheld to this day... in fact, the adjective magnificent (or stunning or dazzling or breathtaking) don't seem to do it justice. In my mind, i assumed that during a storm, there would be no fireflies to watch - surely they would hide from the storm - but i was abysmally wrong. There must have been millions of them; and instead of keeping low to the ground, as i had seen before, they were up in the trees. no longer simply captivated, i was mesmerized. i don't know that i can accurately explain what i saw... the trees just sparkled!

back to this evening - reminiscing, wishing i had captured the spectacle in a picture or that i could see it all over again... fireflies are so phenomenal... i thanked God for all things simple and yet sensational that He created... my mind continued to wander...

something special within them making light in the darkness... and even more so in the storm...

if you are a Christian, you too have within yourself something special (or should i say Someone) that makes you a light in the darkness. Ye are the light of the world... Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. (Matthew 5:14a, 16)

in this world of darkness, does your light shine? can others look at your life and be captivated by seeing the Light in you? and when the storms of life come (for they always come), will you continue to let your light shine? others will understand and maybe even expect you to hide from the storm, but will you bring glory to your Heavenly Father by letting your light shine on? it is in those times that others who are watching will be awestruck by the peace you have in the storm. it is in those times that your are a testament to the awesome grace of God!

my Potter

2011-06-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 18:4 - And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

I love this picture that God gives in the book of Jeremiah. In context, it is a picture of His relationship with Israel, but I think it is also a picture of His relationship with me. In this picture, I have learned much of the love and grace of God. When the clay is marred, it is marred within the potter's hands... and the same is true for me. When I am marred, whether it be by wrong choices or by circumstances beyond my control, I am still in the almighty hand of my Potter. He is continually working to make me into the vessel He wants me to be - and all this for my good and His glory. He works past all my flaws, my scars, and my shortcomings, and amends each disfigurement to make me a much stronger and more beautiful vessel. He does what I could never do in my own power. If I attempted to rectify any imperfection in my own strength, I would fall so miserably short. The vessel I would create would look a pitiful mess when compared to the exquisite vessel He could create... if I let go and let Him work.

He can do the same for you. Will you relinquish all you hold in your hands - your desires, your will? I know it can be hard. Maybe like me, you're a "control freak"... but always keep in mind that His desire and His will are above and beyond what we could dream, and He is able to do above anything we could ask or think! (Ephesians 3:20)

"none of these things move me..."

2011-06-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

Acts 20:24 - "But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God."

we are each running a course - a course we have never run before. it's a course full of winding, climbing, soaring, and sometimes falling. there is no way to see the entire course. there is no way to know when the course ends. we call this course "life", and to finish our course with the joy Paul speaks of, we must determine each day to live moment to moment with the "finish line" in mind. it is with that mindset that we can live each moment to it's fullest, doing exactly what God created us to do - glorify Him with what we think, say, and do.

every thought glorifying Him.
every word glorifying Him.
every action glorifying Him.

the only thing that can hinder you from finishing with joy is yourself. the only thing in the way is your way and not His way. if we focus on ourselves, we lose sight of the Cross. we attempt to live this life relying on our feeble selves rather than depending on the Holy Spirit to work through us. choose to live supernaturally. let Him work through you. He wants to - depite your shortcomings, faults, and failures - He wants to use you!

so start every day with the decision to crucify your flesh... "And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."

i heard this quote my senior year of high school, and i have claimed it ever since. "start every day with the purpose of proving that you love God far more than you love the things of this world or yourself." i haven't fully lived it. i do fall short, but it's something i want to strive for.

living for Him - to glorify Him - will lead you to a life of unfaltering joy. whether through good times or bad, you will know that He is in control. with every path in this course that He leads you to, you can know it's in His plan. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end." - Jeremiah 29:11 ...and when you reach the end, knowing you remained unmoved despite the ever-changing circumstances of life, you can say "i have finished my course with joy"

note to self.

2011-06-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

i estimate that to every 10 journal entries, i write 1 post (usually stemming from something in my journal). today i contemplated deleting this blog, after all, i do have a journal... i'm not quite sure if i've convinced myself out of it yet, but for now it remains.

anyway, while i was contemplating, i started reviewing the last year of my life. i knew exactly where i was a year ago, so it was pretty simple to begin. i thought about all that God had done and all that he had taught me... and what He is still doing and still teaching me... then i got an idea (lightbulb and all). i decided that i would write a letter to myself. now this could either be pointless or brilliant... i would write a letter reminding myself of all that God has done, warning myself of any mistakes i know i am prone to make, and noting exactly where i am and what is going on in life. then, once i have written the letter to myself, i will either hide it away for a year or give it to a friend to return to me in a year... or maybe both!...

my hope is this - in a year, i will open it and i will be able to look back on the year and see exactly how God moved to bring me exactly where i am. i hope that i will also be able to see growth in my life. now i know i could just do this all in my head. i could do it right now actually for this past year. but i think writing it will make it more impacting...

so on june 13th, a pretty notable day in my life, i will write my letter to future me... and on june 13th next year, i'll report (as long as I and this blog still exist)...

like i said pointless or brilliant... i'll let you know in a year.

a prayer.

2011-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace
that where there is hatred, i may bring love,
that where there is wrong, i may bring a spirit of forgiveness,
that where there is discord, i may bring harmony,
that where there is error, i may bring truth,
that where there is doubt, i may bring faith,
that where there is despair, i may bring hope,
that where there are shadows, i may bring light,
that where there is sadness, i may bring joy.

~ francis of assisi

like a river glorious

2011-05-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

we sang this song in church the other night, and at first, i thoughtlessly sang the lyrics... then the words started to catch my attention then touch my heart. so i thought i would share!

"like a river glorious"

like a river glorious, is God's perfect peace,
over all victorious, in its bright increase;
perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.

stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

every joy or trial falleth from above,
traced upon our dial by the Sun of love;
we may trust Him fully all for us to do.
they who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

growing pains

2011-05-23T01:48:00.000-07:00

as i was growing up, i can recall times in my childhood when i would go through these intense times of pain. i recall my first experience with this pain. i went to my mom in tears. i was absolutely sure that i was dying. i wanted to curl up in bed and fall asleep, hoping to either dull the pain while i slept or eliminate the pain by the time i awoke. my mom negated my idea that i was dying on the inside and informed me that this discomfort i was feeling was actually just "growing pain." discomfort? this was beyond that in my mind... and a term like "growing pain" made little sense to my simple mind. as far as i was concerned growing = good and pain = bad.

now it's about ten to fifteen years later... all evidence of physical growth has subsided and i have reached my final height. but now i am discovering that this stage of my life brings a whole new set of "growing pains." i experience these pains on a much deeper level. my heart aches and my soul groans. there are times where i want to trade these growing pains for the former physical discomfort.

recently, i began to experience a new season of these spiritual growing pains. emotionally, i thought i might die. i wanted to crawl into bed and fall asleep simply to numb the pain. i didn't understand why this hurt was allowed into my life... then, i went to my heavenly Father, and He showed me that this pain had a purpose. this was a time of stretching, strengthening, and growth. through this pain, i would experience something incredible... i just had to seek Him. i had to trust Him. and i had to wait on Him.

Philippians 1:6 says, "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." God is working in me and He is using ways that i do not understand. why? because He says in Isaiah 55:8-9, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." until this point in my life, i was pretty sure i knew how life would be played out for the next several years. and until recently, it was all going exactly as planned... then BOOM!

change.

i thought i had lost so much - love, direction, hopes, dreams, security... then i read farther in Philippians and found these verses where Paul says, "But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ." with this perspective, i realized that these "losses" were nothing when compared to what i would gain - a closer relationship with Christ. He should be my first priority, my ultimate desire. In Luke 14:25, Jesus tells His disciples, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot by my disciple." the word hate here is a comparative term. basically Jesus was saying, if you love any of these people more than me, than you cannot be my disciple. what a challenge! did i love God more than any one? truth be told, i can't say that i did... and with this realization, i begin to thank God for the growing pains. i want to love Him more! He has loved me sacrificially and unconditionally! how could i have neglected such a perfect love for so long?

though i see God working in the growing pains, i often lost patience... the control freak in me says, "okay God, you have my attention. now let's go. tell me what's next." but God says, "Wait." i read in Psalm 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, i say, on the Lord." and in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God." so often, when we come to a trial, we just focus on getting through it. but perhaps we should focus on what God wants to do in it. James 1:3-4 says, "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect, and entire, wanting nothing." God wants to use these growing pains to teach me, and if i lose patience, i might miss out on much of what God could show me. rushing through the pain could stunt my spiritual growth.

so, i choose to wait. i choose to cherish the growing pains. yes, they hurt at times; but i know that they are making my stronger. i am so thankful for a God who knows me better than i know myself, will do what it takes to bring me closer to Him, and only wants His absolute best for me!

Psalm 37:23 - The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in His way.

Proverbs 16:9 - A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

my anthem.

2011-05-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

i published this over two years ago on my blog, but i decided to republish it. a lot has happened in two years, but every one of these remains true.

i believe i am nothing.
i believe God is everything.
i believe in every life-altering word of the KJV Bible.
i believe life is change.
i believe you should listen more than talk.
i believe nearness is likeness.
i believe something can be learned from every one you meet.
i believe in the influence of music.
i believe in the power of words.
i believe we should live, love, laugh, and learn.
i believe the end will justify the pain it takes to get us there.
i believe "popularity" is overrated.
i believe shadows only prove the sun shines.
i believe i will be different.
i believe you only get one chance at life on earth, make the best of it.
i believe i will make every day the best day of my life.
i believe in forgiveness, for i am ultimately forgiven.
i believe a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down.
i believe you should never take for granted the simple pleasures in life.
i believe trust is no small thing.
i believe in being yourself.
i believe if you choose to love, love unconditionally.
i believe when you say "i love you" you should mean it.
i believe in the "golden rule"
i believe that when you stop growing, you stop living.

for the discouraged, fearful, heartbroken, and confused...

2011-05-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

I know my past and present heartaches are minor compared to many others', but God's Word is awesome! It can comfort every heart whether the pain is small or great. So whatever is going on in your life, I hope these verses can encourage you as they did me.

a friend put these verses in a note for me and they truly helped give me a peace...

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." - Isaiah 26:3

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Be still, and know that I am God..." - Psalm 46:10

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." - Isaiah 41:10

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6

and some verses that God has given me...

"As for God, his way is perfect..." - Psalm 18:30

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, and to them that are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will I praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me." - Psalm 56:3-4

"I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears... O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." - Psalm 34:4,8

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee,when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

magazines.

2011-04-04T01:33:00.000-07:00

i love magazines. it is such a convenient way to read for knowledge with minimal time. does that make sense?

for example in the magazine Baptist Voice (august 2009), i read an excellent article called, "The Choices We Face." at that time in my life (i had just moved away and was about to begin teaching), i found it difficult to get through an entire book due to my busy schedule... but this article impacted me as much as a book could. in fact, i recently read a book on making choices and i would just as readily hand someone the article as much as recommend the book.

i also subscribe to Real Simple, Health, and Cooking Light, and i am always reading useful information, or cutting coupons, or finding recipes, or receiving helpful tips for daily life. i love it!

of course, there's nothing like a good book with more depth and details, but when you have free moments here and there, a magazine is more than suitable.

and that's all i have to say about that.

these cookies are AMAZING!!!

2011-04-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

Vegan Peanut Butter Cookies (Makes 8 cookies)

1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoons flour (70 grams) – lightly spooned, evenly swept
1/2 teaspoon baking soda (2.5 ml)
1/8 teaspoon salt (.6 ml)
1/4 cup lightly packed brown sugar (48 grams)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (30 ml)
1 tablespoon light corn/glucose syrup or honey (15 ml)
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract (1.25 ml)
1 tablespoons unsweetened apple sauce (15 ml)
1/4 cup natural style peanut butter (64 grams)
Sparkly sugar or turbinado sugar for garnish (optional)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F or 165 degrees C.

In a mixing bowl, stir together flour, baking soda and salt.

In a second bowl, mix brown sugar, vegetable oil, corn syrup (or honey), vanilla, apple sauce and natural peanut butter. Stir until smooth.

Add flour mixture to brown sugar mixture and stir until mixed. Form dough into 8 equal pieces and shape pieces into balls. Press down slightly to make neat mounds. Place the 8 mounds about 2 1/2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet and sprinkle tops with sparkly sugar or use a fork and press a criss-cross pattern on top of each cookie. These don’t spread much, so if you don’t press the criss-cross, make sure you shape the cookies neatly.

Bake for 15 minutes. Let cool for 3 minute on sheet, then transfer to wire rack to cool.

Makes 8 cookies

oh wretched french fry!

2011-02-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

have you ever tried to justify an action? something that you knew in your heart was just not right... and yet you try to come up with reasons why it really isn't all that bad...

been there. done that.

here is a palpable example. i love french fries. i know that in general french fries should not make a regular appearance in my diet. but every once in a while, i convince myself that i need them. so i begin to come of with reasons why it is okay to indulge. #1) potatoes aren't that bad for me, as long as they are cooked in a healthy way it's okay. #2) i have been eating so healthy i deserve these french fries. #3) cheating once isn't going to hurt me.... but you see, the thing is that the french fries aren't always cooked healthily, i indulge more often than i would like to admit, and i probably "cheated" a day ago... but of course, i never take any of that into account and eat the fries... only to be disappointed and feel guilty shortly thereafter.

i think this is a lot like sin. too many times we try to ease our consciences by dulling the Holy Spirit's piercings with reason. we justify actions with statements like "well there is technically nothing wrong with it" or "no where in the Bible does it say 'thou shalt not do such-and-such'" or "i'm not breaking any laws" or "i'm not affected and this isn't affecting anyone else"... i'm sure you could think of more. but we often fail to ask ourselves for reasons why it is good or helpful or, best of all, wise.

i read this quote in a book this week. "you don't sit around looking for reasons to do the right thing; it's the bad decisions that require creative reasoning." (The Best Question Ever) this statement is so true! i have heard people spend hours debating why something questionable should be okay. but wouldn't time be better spent just doing what you know is right? what the Bible instructs us to do?

as Christians, i believe when we truly desire Holy Spirit guidance over selfish desire, God will grant us wisdom to make the right choices. so when faced with an equivocal choice, instead of asking what's wrong with it? ask yourself what's right with it?

hallelujah

2011-01-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

this beautiful song always reminds me of how awesome God is... and how so often i miss the amazing God-gifts around me!

"hallelujah"

a purple sky to close the day
i wade the surf where dolphins play
the taste of salt,the dance of waves
and my soul wells up with hallelujahs

a lightning flash, my pounding heart
a breaching whale, a shooting star
give testimony that You are
and my soul wells up with hallelujahs

oh praise Him, all His mighty works
there is no language where you can't be heard
your song goes out to all the earth
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

oh cratered moon and sparrow's wings
oh thunder's boom and saturn's rings
unveil our Father, as you sing
and my soul wells up with hallelujahs

oh praise Him, all His mighty works
there is no language where you can't be heard
your song goes out to all the earth
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

the pulse of life within my wrist
a fallen snow, a rising mist
there is no higher praise than this
and my soul wells up, oh my soul wells up
yes my soul wells up with hallelujahs

oh praise Him, all His mighty works
there is no language where you can't be heard
your song goes out to all the earth
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
oh hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

21 day vegan turned permanent vegan?

2011-01-23T15:05:00.001-08:00

it all really began as a discussion about vegans. how they seemed healthy. their skin glowed. they looked good.

then amanda found an app. yes, there's an app for that too. it is called 21-day vegan kickstart. it is a 21 day vegan meal plan complete with recipes and nutrition facts. we decided we would do it after the holidays. so on january 2, we began our temporary dietary change.

the first few days were very easy. the recipes were great and i felt great. it was nice to eat fresh, light food. after a few days the cravings came. i never missed cheese so much! but they soon passed. sometime during week 2, we decided to stay vegan for 28 days. i was completely okay with that because i loved the way i felt! one night we ate at chipotle and even though i was full at the end of my meal, i didn't feel heavy. that seem to be the case with each day. i was never too full, and i was never hungry.

so far it's been great, and i have been considering becoming permanently vegan. i have not made any final decisions, but whether or not i do, i feel like this experience has helped me become more aware of what i eat as well as more disciplined. i eat out of necessity not out of continual craving. i eat what i know my body needs not what it wants.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

the Bible says that our body is His temple. we should be taking care of it and i believe that includes what we eat. i think sometimes Christians tend to look over the "glorify God in your body" part of that verse. glorifying God with our spirit is important. it is preached and taught on often, and i am grateful for the lessons, but i don't think we should fail to take care of ourselves in diet and exercise. not for vanity sake but for glorifying God.

i'm definitely not saying everyone should become vegan. i'm not even sure if i will keep up with it. but i think we should be aware that we are not our own. yes, this body is temporary, but God still has a purpose for you on earth and to accomplish it fully, you need your transient body.

i love failure?

2011-01-14T03:07:00.000-08:00

"epic fail"

i have seen this phrase in emails, apps, and posts. i have heard it in the rumbling of coffeeshop chatter. though never quite directed at me, it has somehow permeated my brain. so much, that today when i looked at my 2011 new year's resolutions, i thought that very phrase. epic fail.

epic - of unusually great size or extent
fail - to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved

that nails it. i have fallen short of success in something attempted to an unusually great extent.

explanation to follow:

i downloaded a new year's resolution app. i figured i would never forget my resolutions if i saw them every day on my phone, right? so i entered in all my resolutions on december 31st...

now here i am on the fourteenth day of 2011 wondering what happened. i had such good intentions. i wanted to blog once a week. i wanted to read a book a week. yet the first week passed and only half of my book had been read. i am only now writing my first blog of the year.

epic fail?

i sit in silence considering all of the above. i mimic auguste rodin's "the thinker" humoring only myself. i reach deep within myself and grasp for some significant idea. then i hear the echo of a faint voice. "failure is the springboard* to success." yes! i do not know who originally spoke those words to me, but they ring ever true at this moment. and in order for one to use that springboard, one must see that he has failed. and if you see where you have erred and rise up to try again, have you truly failed?

benjamin franklin said this, "i didn't fail the test. i just found one hundred ways to do it wrong." he also said, "do not fear mistakes. you will know failure. continue to reach out." i realized that i was about to let two weeks of shortcomings possibly hinder me from 50 more weeks of success. this year is not over. maybe it is good that i fell short so soon. it has already caused me to strive harder to achieve my goals. in fact, i finished my book for week #1 and am already half way through my next book. i am finally blogging, but i already have an idea for my next post as well.

i have many other goals for the year, most of which are getting done. my resolutions affect all areas in my life - spiritual, mental, physical... i am very grateful for that app because it really does serve as a daily reminder to accomplish those resolutions. i hope at the end of the year, i will see results in my life in each aspect... and hopefully more than 6 posts (as seen in 2010)

*up until i began writing this post, i had no idea what exactly was a springboard, so i looked it up. it's basically a diving board! i'm diving into a pool of success :)

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

2010-11-15T23:49:00.000-08:00

longest word in the unabridged dictionary... fyi.

too many good words have been lost. lost to a dumbed down society. lost to time.

i'm not saying you need to use the longest word in speech or in writing, but maybe find a word-a-day calendar, app for your phone, or perhaps a website that will send you a word-a-day email. then when you get your "word for the day"... use it! and use it correctly please. most likely not every word you learn each day will stick with you... but you never know when "juxtaposed" or "equitable" will be the exact word you need for a sentence.

juxtaposed? equitable? look them up :)

and good night.

simply... encouraging.

2010-11-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

very recently my youth pastor, cary schmidt, was diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma. initially, i cried. this is the man who went out of his way over 20 years ago to reach my family. this is the man who taught lesson after lesson guiding me successfully through my teenage years. this is the man who has touched the lives of thousands upon thousands. of all people, why him?

i think the answer can be found in his blog. here is the link:

http://hodgkins.caryschmidt.com

with each and every post. i am inspired and encouraged. God's grace shines through his life. and i believe that's "why him." please pray for him as he goes through treatments. please pray for his family. and please pray that God will use this to show Himself mighty!

for more encouragement you can also read his ministry blog. here is the link as well:

http://www.caryschmidt.com

taught to the teacher

2010-02-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

i assigned my students a book report not too long ago, and many of them (in different classes) chose to do the various books from the Chronicles of Narnia... i figured, since i had never read any of them, that i would read them too.

so i started with the first book and went through the series. i have discovered two things. first, these are excellent books. i would have guessed this, since i truly enjoyed c.s. lewis's Screwtape Letters and Mere Christianity, but i was still pleasantly surprised. the second thing i discovered was that some of my students who were claiming to read these books were reading the first chapter and the back cover... and using that limited information to write their book reports... see, little did they know that had read the same books they had read, so i knew exactly what happened in each book. they seriously thought they could fool me?

at first, i was really frustrated. i thought i know exactly what these stories are about and they seriously think they can fool me with these "short-cut" book reports?? and then they have the nerve to tell me that they read the book??

and then my thoughts wandered... and i was convicted.

are there not times when i do almost the same thing with God? i take "short-cuts" and convince myself that i have done what was required of me, but am i seriously trying to fool my omniscient God? i wonder if God looks at me and says I know exactly what you are about and do you think you are fooling me with your "short-cuts"? have you really convinced yourself that you have read your Bible as you should? prayed as you should? yielded to my Holy Spirit as you should? shared the Gospel as you should? obeyed as you should? trusted me as you should? helped others, rather than self, as you should? loved as you should?...

...lived the Christian life as you should?

burn it.

2010-02-07T00:37:00.000-08:00

last year, i purchased the "my utmost for his highest" journal. i never really got around to using it... as is the story for most of my journals. i have a whole shelf full of journals that i intend to use for various purposes, but as they say, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry," why do they say that? i digress... anyway, this year i was determined to use it along with my daily devotions. i am so glad that i did!

every day i either learn something new or am reminded of powerful Biblical truths, and then there is a section to write about what God is teaching me. He is teaching me a lot right now. For instance, one of oswald chambers quotes says, "God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is." at this point in my life, i feel like i am constantly wondering what God is going to do next... i have no control. which is really hard since i have the tendencies of a control-freak... but i continue to trust Him with each step.

do i tend to worry? oh yes. but when i start to worry i remember a decision i made two years ago at camp chetek, when i was counselor there. that decision was to "burn it." every week, i and two other close friends who were also counselors would write down on a piece of paper things that worried us or things that were hindering the Holy Spirit from controlling us. We would then take that piece of paper and throw it in the campfire. we encouraged our campers to do the same.

now, i don't randomly start a fire in the middle of my kitchen so that i can burn my worries and whatnot, and i don't suggest you do anything like that... but next time you are worrying... just "burn it" in your head. disclaimer: please note the quotations marks around "burn it." i beg of you, please don't set your head on fire.

let go and let God.

happy new year... several days late.

2010-01-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

happy new year.

i must admit, i'm really looking forward to this new year. i think it will hold a lot of changes for me... and i like change... it keeps me interested in my own life. this last year definitely kept me "on the edge of my seat." i graduated college. i moved to another state. i started teaching. i started dating. i fell in love.

i definitely saw God work throughout the year. and even now, though i cannot see it, i know He is still working. for this reason i look forward to 2010. i look forward to seeing all that will happen and all that God will do.

aaaaaaaand hopefully... i'll be more consistent in writing about it!

for now i leave you with a verse and a thought:

"and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

i wrote this verse on a note card. under it i wrote the question, "what worries me?" i wrote down the three things that worried me. The first was teaching, the second was relationships, and the third was finances. that was 6 months ago. God has worked out each thing. i truly enjoy teaching, my relationships have never been better, and God has taken care of all my needs and even many wants.

think about that verse, write down what worries you, keep it in your Bible, and then in 6 months see what God has done!

fall down seven times, stand up eight.

2009-11-17T16:55:00.001-08:00

my original title to this post was "i fail." because i do fail, but i intend to learn from my failures.

my new title for this post is actually a japanese proverb, however its principle can originally be found within the book of Proverbs. it is, in fact, a Biblical principle. Proverbs 24:16 says, "for a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again..."

i personally love this verse. it gives me hope for the times that i "mess up"... which happens with greater frequency than i would like. with every time that i stand up again, i continue to fight the spiritual battle that all Christians are fighting... flesh vs. Spirit. it is in the minute that i decide to stop fighting, to stop getting back up... that i have truly failed.

i don't want my look back on my life and realized that i stopped trying. this challenge is given in the Scriptures...

"but thou, o man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 6:11-12

happy giving.

2009-09-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

“God loveth a cheerful giver.”

i was reading 2 corinthians 9 today, and when i got to this verse, i stopped. usually i quickly skim by it with a mindset of yeah, yeah... give my tithes and offerings with a willing, happy heart... no problem! but today i really thought about the verse and decided to apply it on a deeper level. here are my thoughts.

first of all, i grew up in a Christian home, so giving money to the work of the Lord has never been a struggle. if my parents gave me a dollar, then i gave a dime to Jesus. if grandma sent me ten dollars for my birthday, one dollar went into the offering plate. i didn’t do it because i was forced and i never wondered why God wanted my money... i just knew that giving was another way of showing my love for God and trusting that He would provide for all my needs... and He does... for every need and even for wants.

maybe you didn’t grow up as i did. maybe giving is a struggle for you. if so, please let me tell you that it is worth it. first of all, knowing you had a part in something great - the work of the Lord - i have always seen it as such a privilege. secondly, just proving God is an awesome experience. when you give by faith and see the Lord provide in ways you did not expect, He becomes so real!

also today in my thinking, i realized that there is more of me to give then just of my finances. i think these are the areas i struggle with giving... areas like time and my talents. i selfishly schedule my time. i want time to read, to play the piano, to write, to run, to talk on the phone, etc... i still use my time for work, church, devotions, school, etc... but anything outside of my regular schedule i often consider unwelcome. it really is terrible.

and when it comes to my “talents” though they be few... i tend to hoard. for example, i can play the piano, but i only like to play it for myself. i don’t like to play for others, and i especially don’t want to play for congregations. i used to see writing in the same way. i wrote for myself alone. this has changed somewhat as of late... i want what i write to be glorifying to God as well as to challenge or inspire others.

ok, here comes my revelation... i realized my perspective on all of these things... my time, my treasures, my talents... was completely wrong! none of it is mine! it is His time, His treasures, and His talents! paradigm shift. now when i see that all these things are not my own, i have no problem giving of them with a cheerful heart! if the Lord wants me to give of the time He has given me i can happily give of it since it was never mine to begin with. and if the Lord wants me to play the piano for a church service or to proofread something for the church, i have no problem in doing so because i realize that the Lord has blessed me with the ability to play the piano and with the ability to spot grammatical errors quickly... haha.

now i know i am not perfect... and i am sure you are not either... there will be times when we will become selfish. but the prayer for my life is that the Lord will remind me that nothing is my own, it is His, and i am blessed. and when reminded, i will remember to give with a happy heart!

live love.

2009-08-30T22:15:00.001-07:00

i have had an epiphany... i think... let me look up that word...

haha! this is what my mac dictionary told me...

Epiphany (wrestler), a female professional wrestler.
Epiphany (holiday), a Christian holiday on January 6 celebrating the visit of the Magi to the infant Jesus
Epiphany (feeling), the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something

i pick number three... anyway... so yes, i had a sudden realization of something... well i think i already knew it subconsciously... but now it's clear to me!

i generally am a very health conscious person... i haven't had a soda in years, i almost never eat fast food (not counting subway), i don't care for most desserts, etc... anyway i do have a few things that i know are not good for me, but i love them... like jalapeno poppers, chili cheese fries, orange sherbert, and dark chocolate (although i heard that this can be good for you)... anyway, i have been doing a really good job lately of eating well... tons of water, fruits and veggies, whole grains, etc... and even though i occasionally craved those unhealthy things, i resisted... until yesterday.

yesterday i convinced myself that it would be ok to have those and if anything it would just satisfy my craving and then i would go on eating all those good things... so i basically binged... and guess what? craving so not satisfied! i want those horrible things even more now!

also... i have been so good with my time... i work, i read, i work out, i get ready for the next day, sleep, and then do it all over again... well on the same day that i binged, i wasted my time by sleeping in and watching tv for entirely way too long! so guess what i wanted to do today? the same thing! i didn't... but it was so hard.

i think this is a lot like sin. it's pleasure for a season, but you keep wanting more... and you keep indulging... and the long-term results of indulging are no good!

so resist.

Jesus said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments."

in romans 12:9, the Bible says, "let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good." dissimulation means hypocrisy. something fake.

is your love for God real? then keep His commandments. it's that simple. hate evil. love good. and yet it's a struggle... at least for me it is... does it mean every time i fail i don't love God? no. i'm a work in progress. i find this verse very encouraging to me: "being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it unto the day of Jesus Christ."

live love.

♫ ...you are loved... ♫

2009-08-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

i love this song... i heard it one day randomly on my iphone... i have over 2,000 songs so it seems i hear something new every day. anyway, when i heard it, i just stopped whatever it was i was doing and just listened. then when it finished, i started it over... i have listened to it many times since...

i don't know how many people are like me, but i feel like i am constantly failing in the Christian life. i keep waiting for God to take His mighty hand and flick me off the planet. He has no intention of doing so though! He loves me! despite my selfishness. despite my foolishness. despite my pride. despite my lack of trust. He loves me unconditionally. that very thought leaves me in awe!

here is the song:

have you ever felt the Father’s love

as He holds you in His arms?

when you start to say I’m sorry

He says you’ve done nothing wrong.

have you failed to meet the standards

that you thought you should attain?

only to hear Him call your name, saying

you are loved beyond your failures.

you are loved beyond your past.

the hope that you’ve imagined is now reality at last.

you are loved with no conditions.

you are loved with no remorse.

the scars of your forgiveness are engraved upon the Lord.

you are loved.

have you seen your life be torn apart

by things you could not help

until you finally reach the point

where you could only blame yourself?

have you laid your head to sleep

and think you’ll always be alone

then waken to His voice calling you home?

He says you are loved beyond your failures

you are loved beyond your past

the hope that you’ve imagined is now reality at last

you are loved with no conditions

you are loved with no remorse

the scars of your forgiveness are engraved upon the Lord

you are loved.

"he being dead yet speaketh"

2009-08-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

this phrase comes from Hebrews 11, and it refers to Abel’s faithfulness in his sacrificial obedience. i think the same could be said of many men and women, whose faithfulness still inspires us yet today.

one of those faithful men and women whose life continues to inspire me, though she has been dead for over 50 years, is amy carmichael.

she first made her impact when i was only a little girl. the story was told of a little girl who had brown eyes and desperately wanted them to be blue. she would pray and ask God to change her eyes to blue. however, when she grew up she realized that God had purposefully given her brown eyes so that she was able to gain acceptance from the indian people. the people God had called her to reach.

then, as a teenager, i read the book If. it was inspiring. it was convicting. it was life-changing. i continue to re-read that book on a regular basis.

now, i am reading the book A Chance to Die: the Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael. it is truly captivating, and even in some ways i can relate. here is just a silly example, but it made me laugh.

When told how exceedingly naughty she was, Amy used to think, ‘If only you knew how much naughtier i could be, you wouldn’t think I’m naughty at all.’

yes, that was something i would definitely think as a young person. actually, i think i may have even said something like it once. only once though, the results were enough to teach me to bite my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself!

anyway, i shall continue to read and probably share more thoughts as i progress. my overall point to this post is that the life of amy carmichael still continues to influence people around the world. though she is dead her legacy still speaks. will that be said of me one day?

will it be said of you?

God is really smart!

2009-08-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

"life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward."

i think the same goes for God's will. we have to follow blindly, but when we look back we are able to understand just what exactly God was doing.

in conversation today, i was reminded of how brilliant God is. i believe that God has made each person specifically for His perfect will... He has a destiny for each of us. i am amazed to see how every circumstance, every trial, and even personality traits are perfectly designed to complete His plan.

for instance, before i moved away, my mom pulled me aside and shared her heart. she told me how much she was going to miss me, but that she was excited to see what God has planned. she told me that as much as she wanted me to stay forever she had always known that i was "born to leave."

i asked her what exactly she meant. she told me that ever since i was little, i was the very independent child. as a baby, i didn't like to be held. as a toddler, i did my own thing. as a young kid, i would try new things and explore, and in 4th grade, i surrendered to the mission field. my mom said that when i came home from summer camp and told her my decision, it didn't surprise her one bit. she said she knew that it was exactly what God had in mind for me.

as a teenager i began to question whether or not i was truly called to the mission field. i was still surrendered to ministry, but i just didn't know what exactly. even then my mom would remind me of my 4th grade decision and tell me that she knew God would still lead me there one day. finally in my second year of college, through a series of events God grabbed my attention again. i knew that one day God would take me overseas. when i told my mom about how i really had the desire to teach english in a foreign country, she just smiled and said she has known it since i was in fourth grade.

anyway... God has put me in Las Vegas. for now. and for now, i am trusting Him. step by step. i don't know what He has next for me, but i'm loving every moment now and looking forward to seeing what God has for me!

the end.

p.s. my "room-mates" keep referring to me as a health nut! haha

thoughts on the road...

2009-08-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

some things I have thought while on my random adventure...

1. God is real... i see it in His creation around me.
2. i do not know where exactly i am
3. there are still nice people in this world
4. i love coffee!
5. i enjoy driving with my air on AND windows down
6. it's a blessing to meet other Christians and know that church still works!
7. eating at a restaurant by yourself is boring
8. i do not understand guys
9. none of the papers in vegas have the "love is..." comic
10. you can find great deals at the most random shops!

anyway i'm gonna go back to driving...

fyi.

2009-08-03T14:13:00.001-07:00

God is awesome!

iphone update!

2009-07-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

so i am doing this post from my iphone... not sure how it will turn out... but here is an update:

i have no idea how michaelangelo painted the ceiling of the sistine chapel... i was having issues painting the roof of my new room... and that was solid white! also black is a terrible color to paint because it requires multiple coats for it to look right... ah once again i'm learning patience...

all in all painting and decorating has been fun... i'm not quite finished, but when I am (and I have better internet access) i will post some pictures!

vegas is hot and humid right now, but i don't mind it... i have decided God made me this way for a reason... i figure wherever He leads me in the future it's gonna be hot and humid!

i am blessed to have nearly every place i could want or need within five minutes of me... this includes wal-mart, 24 hr. fitness, souplantation, starbucks (or it's a grind or the coffee bean), the church and school, borders (and barnes and noble), the list goes on...

i miss my friends that i said goodbye to last week and i'm still missing those i said goodbye to in may... but i'm learning to rely more on God so for this i am thankful!

this has certainly already been a learning experience and a time of growth and i'm looking forward to seeing what else God has for me!

peace, love, and always coffee :)

g'night!

patience..................................................

2009-07-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

so i'm supposed to be moving today. but my daddy decided that he would rather leave early tomorrow morning. this would be fine except i have been planning to leave today. i want this whole transitional phase to be over. i want to be in vegas and settled.

i have a tendency to be impatient. i look up movie spoilers, i read the end of a book first, etc... i want to know how things end before i decide to put time into it. too bad life does not allow me to do this. i wish i knew where i would be serving God for the rest of my life... or who with... or what exactly i'll be doing. of course, if i had my way, there would be no faith in God involved whatsoever.

this is a struggle for me. i want to plan my life out and get it okayed by God and then press on. but God wants me to trust Him blindly, and take it one step at a time. ultimately i know His plan is sooo much better, but my "control-freak" self fights it. am i the only one like this? not doing what i know. not just in this area but in every area of life. as a Christian I know what pleases God. I know what the Bible says. and yet i find myself at times doing things that are contrary to what i know.

paul talks about this struggle in Romans 7 saying,

"14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. 16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. 17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin."

this all comes down to a battle between my flesh and my Spirit. old man versus new man. which is why i must daily crucify my flesh. i can't always just make a good decision once and expect it to last for the rest of my life. especially when it comes to something i struggle with - like patience!

so today i will be patient.

and tomorrow i will choose to be patient.

and the next day i will do it again.

and so on...

talk to God.

2009-07-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

i have come to realize i really like driving. even more, i like driving alone. when i had my permit i had to drive with one of my parents or with my sisters, but now with a license i can drive alone. it's AMAZING!

first of all i don't have someone watching my every move and giving me their driving advice, not that it wasn't helpful, but it's nice to drive with nothing more than my brain's voice... second of all i am finally free to play the music i want to listen to... every one in my family has different music taste, i tend to stick to classical, instrumental, or basically calmer types of music... thirdly i can talk out loud to myself... or to God.

now i don't know if you have ever tried talking to God out loud, but i recommend it. my youth pastor is the one who first told me to try it... i didn't for a long time because of pride i suppose. then one day i had reached the end of myself, so i got alone and i talked to God... out loud. it made Him so much more real to me. i didn't need to hear Him audibly, He responded clearly in my heart. honestly it's something that's not easy to explain.

lately i have been at that breaking point. the stress of such a big change has brought me closer to God than ever, and just in the last few days i have been able to get alone and drive. i probably look like a crazy person when people pass me, but i could care less. i need to have that time. it's the only thing that keeps me sane. He brings that peace that truly passes all understanding!

psalm 119:71

2009-07-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

"it is good for me that i have been afflicted; that i might learn thy statutes."

memory drawer...

2009-07-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

i continue to pack and i have come to my memory drawer... it holds important items from times i want to remember... i have had this set apart drawer for many many years now... and the items accumulated are many... i keep putting things in it, but i haven't had much time to go through and see just what i have in there... but i thought that as i went through it i would share some of the memories behind the items in here... some are recent. some are from childhood. some are simple. some are profound. some make me laugh. some bring me to sober thoughts. here we go...

a towel that says "delighted to serve" - a challenge from dr. goetsch to go out in the ministry and serve the Lord whole-heartedly

various items from graduation including cap and gown and my diploma :) memories there are pretty obvious!

several coins - from my grandpa who passed away about a year ago... his coin collection was INCREDIBLE.

a note that i totally forgot about! let me quote it... it's short... "dear kristina, i'm sorry i kicked a broom into your face. it was an accident. i am stupid. please forgive me. let's be friends. - jonathan" ... ok jonathan is like my little brother... little as in younger (he is actually much taller than me) ... anyway i worked with him at it's a grind and we had some interesting times... and he was always up to something... one night he decided we would try a trick where i dropped the broom and he kicked it up and caught it. one problem. he didn't catch it. it smacked me right in the eye, and i had a black eye for the next week. hence the note... ok moving on.

awwwwww.... my stuffed animal from when i was a baby! it doesn't have eyeballs anymore...

a list of campers God allowed me to lead to the Lord when i served at camp for the summer! there are also many other items from my summer at camp including the rope we used to show rope tricks while making spiritual applications... well most were spiritual... the breath test - not so much.

a seashell signed by me and several other friends... because on our way back from the airport we missed an exit and somehow ended up at the beach... it ended up being a great day!

my acceptance letter to west coast!

many various items from my senior year of highschool - senior play, senior trip, senior pranks, senior banquet, etc...

the first flower i was ever given from a boy.

tickets for everything - basketball games, baseball games, hockey games, cruises, airplanes, trains, etc...

outlines from some of the most life-changing messages i have heard... from camps, conferences, classes, chapels, and church... oddly those all start with "c"... i didn't do that on purpose...

my first book of poetry i wrote as well as my first short story... very interesting.

plane tickets! nearly every school break, i would use the tip money i had saved to buy a plane ticket to go somewhere... anywhere! i have the money for this summer... but no time to fly... so i'm just going to keep saving and wait to see where i want to fly next!

the first bouquet of flowers i caught at a wedding... hasn't done me any good yet! haha

a turkey calling device thing from a chapel speaker who made me get up in front of people and try to do it... why??? there were no turkeys around! fun times.

every student i.d card i've ever had... wow... i have most certainly changed... look at this pic from when i was in ninth grade!

hahahahaha!!! precious.

ok moving on...

finally, i found devotional booklets from every year at teen camp with the decision i made written down as well... it is amazing to see what God has done in my life... and the things He has brought me through. He is awesome!

well... i could go on because there is sooo much, but i think i should stop packing tonight because it's late.

so goodnight.

the truth is i'm procrastinating...

2009-07-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

today was a day.

i slept in, which was a good start to the day... then i discovered that i was home alone. i love being home alone. it is very... exhilarating. after making myself breakfast, i determined i would FINALLY pack my books... so i put on some music and began packing... i packed about four boxes then ran out of packing tape... this made me happy, for it was another excuse to not pack... hahaha.

my sister came home from work shortly after so we ran a few errands together... i bought a ton of fresh fruit for myself which i am so excited to eat... she bought a lot of soda... hmmm...

ok people have been acting very peculiar as of late... do you ever have the feeling that people are up to something and you are not supposed to know about it? well that feeling was at a peak. so being the inquisitive one that i am, i asked my sister what all the soda was for... to which she paused and then replied in the most guilty tone, "... me..." yeah, ok kim... you fooled me. NOT. i asked her if she thought i was stupid. to which she replied, "just act surprised, k?" A-HAH! i knew it. a confession. SURPRISE PARTY!!! so i told kim to get lemonade or tea for people who don't drink soda... like me. (soda-free for three years)

ok ok ok... kim didn't actually ruin the surprise... julee told me about it two days before... when she told me, i said, "boo you! i had a feeling but now you confirmed it!" she felt little remorse because she was in charge of getting us there... oh yes! the party was not just for me... but for four of us, because we are all leaving... anyway, she didn't know how to get all of us there without us figuring it out anyway so she assumed the best possible solution was to just tell us... she was wrong. but oh well what's done is done.

but i was still surprised. and as far as my mom knows, i was surprised... so no one tell her the truth, k? she doesn't read my blogs ever... and if you are... sorry.

the truth is i was surprised at who was there... and that there were gifts! so i think that's kind of like being surprised... right?

all of our parents were there, and many friends, and some of our teachers, and sunday school teachers, and people who have known us since we were little kids... it was surprising... i was able to walk around and talk to most of them and it was really such a blessing... then they made us get up and talk... booooooo!!! i hate getting up in front of people and speaking formally... put me in a group of people casually and i could probably talk most of their heads off... but in front of people... it's just not my thing... and i told them so... and they laughed. not funny. anyway, i stumbled through thanking my parents and my friends and all the other people who had influenced me... and i gave special thanks to mrs. jones who was my english teacher in junior high... she is the reason i will be teaching english. she is the reason i love literature. and i told her so.

the night winded down and i went home... to a new supply of packing tape. tragic. i began packing more books... and then realized i have a problem... i keep buying books! and there are like fifty i still have not read... so i told myself that i would not buy another book until i had read all the others... i don't know that i can obey myself... but it's an attempt. seriously though, i have only packed half of my three bookshelves and i have ten boxes to show for it... good grief.

i should be packing more... or sleeping... but i'm not tired... so i should be packing...

procrastination has overcome me.

other than that, i don't think there is a point to this post.

fall to fly

2009-07-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

we all come to a point in life where we are comfortable. we think we have life figured out. we like the ideal life we have orchestrated – a life without complication. yet a natural desire for more burns within us. we are not satisfied with good, we want great. but when the sacrifices are considered, most settle for the ordinary, the simple. we decide that it’s better to be comfortable rather than endure challenges in order to succeed.

i challenge you to step out. like a bird must step out of its nest so that it may learn to fly. step out of your comfort zone. you will fall at first. it is necessary. it will be frightening. it will take your breath away. you may begin to believe that you are falling to your finale. you may want to simply accept that, but don’t. inhale. take on the pressure. face the wind. rise up. fly.

and when you are soaring above all those who settled for mediocrity – those who stayed in their nests – you will be thankful that you learned to fall in order to fly.

3 year olds

2009-07-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

tonight i worked in my 3 year old nursery... it was thoroughly entertaining. i love this age group... they are able to converse, but the things they say! here was one of my conversations while we were outside at the playground:

gracie: hi

me: hi gracie

gracie: i'm going to sit here ok? cuz i don't eat dirt

me: you don't eat dirt?

gracie: only for pretend

me: you pretend to eat dirt?

gracie: yeah dirt cookies

me: oh well... dirt cookies are ok... as long as its pretend

a while goes by and i'm talking to other kids and gracie hasn't said a word... then she finally speaks again

gracie: i wish i had a cookie

me: what's your favorite cookie?

gracie: pink

me: is pink your favorite color too?

gracie: no, purple

me: you don't like purple cookies?

gracie: they don't make that kind

me: oh ok... maybe you can make that kind when you grow up

gracie: no

me: ok then what do you want to be when you grow up?

gracie: 4

me: and what are you going to be when you turn 4?

gracie: ... grown up

me: are you going to work?

gracie: i'm a bowrina

me: and what do you do as a ballerina?

gracie: buy pink cookies

i couldn't help but laugh... a little while later we were back in the classroom sitting down and one of the girls turned around and smiled at me, so i winked back at her... apparently in awe she ran over and sat on my lap and demanded i do it again. so i winked and she tried. then i spent the next five minutes teaching this little girl to wink. shortly after she got up and went back to playing the next little girl came over. her name is emma... she is a smart and beautiful little girl... and i know you're not supposed to have favorites... so i don't... but if i did... :) and emma knows it too... she has me tied around her little finger. so tonight she grabs my face for my full attention and our conversation goes like this:

emma: where were you?

me: i'm sorry i have to play with the other kids too

emma: well i missed you

me: i missed you too

emma: its my turn now to play right?

me: yes ma'am

emma: i'm not ma'am

me: i know... you're emma... who am i?

emma: hannah montana

ok... when she was 2 she had determined that i was hannah montana... tragic. i have done everything to change her mind but to no avail... one day, i tried to tell her that my friend erica was hannah montana instead... to which she replied, "no that's hannah montana's best friend lily" my first reaction was how old are you?? and my next reaction was what are your parents letting you watch? you're 2! anyway... the conversation continued...

me: no emma, what's my real name?

emma: kistina

me: thank you

emma: you welcome

me: can i have a hug?

emma: no... a kiss

so cute! i adore that little girl. i'm amazed at how such a small person can control my every action. but anyway... that was my night... 'twas a good night... and now i'm exhausted and must sleep...

i have been inspired as of late to do some remodeling to my blog... i have no idea what i'll do yet... but hopefully get some more pictures up! i'll try attaching one of me and emma...

hey it worked! ............mmmmmmkay goodnight.

lists of no importance to anyone but me...

2009-07-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

i am moving in 18 days.

things i will miss:

my family - as crazy as they may be
my church - including pastor and staff
my friends - especially those i am closest to and spend a great deal of time with
my coffeeshops - it's a grind and the great awakening
college classes - i liked the learning aspect... just not the projects and tests
3rd hour break - a time for friends and coffee (or tea)
my two window bedroom - which i had prayed for
sunday morning nursery - i love those terrible 2 year olds!

things i am looking forward to:

"growing up" - mentally, socially, spiritually, etc...
stretching my faith - relying on God more than ever
meeting new people - a whole new church family... a whole new city
teaching english - perhaps giving my students the same love for english
new opportunities - not sure what they may be
starbucks and borders - both within walking distance of where i live
a new room - new decorations and freedom to decorate however i choose
... just seeing where God leads in the future

so that's that... God is good. He has been good to me in the past and He will continue to be good to me in the future.

"the rest of my life"

2009-06-30T09:02:00.001-07:00

today i read someone's post that said, "today is the first day of the rest of my life...and i'm going to start living like it." now i think i know what she meant by it... but it got me thinking... how long is the "rest of my life"? the Bible says in proverbs 27:1, "Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth."

i believe that every day should be lived as though it were your last. at the end of each day i want to look back and know three things: that i pleased God with the choices i made, that i made a difference in the life of at least one person. and that i have no regrets.

james 4:14 - "whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. for what is your life? it is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

psalm 61:2

2009-06-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

overwhelmed - to be overcome completely in mind or feeling

the other day on my facebook status i quoted a part of psalm 61:2 which says, "... when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than i.'' when i had read it earlier that day it really made an impression... on that day i was overwhelmed in a good way. however on sunday being overwhelmed took on a new perspective and this verse became a promise i would cling to.

sunday it finally hit me. i am moving. i am teaching. i am leaving everything i have known and loved. until this point i have been pretty good at living... and i don't mean that in a prideful way... i think i have just been comfortable with everything i have taken on thus far. i was a good student, receptionist, secretary, barista, manager, etc... each of these came easily and naturally... but now, with teaching, i am stepping way out of my comfort zone. i know this is good for me because i will rely much less on myself and more on God... but i am scared to the point of tears... and if you know me, you know i don't cry. when i had my meeting with the principal on sunday, i seriously had to fight total meltdown... the principal has complete confidence in me... which only make me feel more pressure to succeed. i hate to disappoint people, and i really don't like making mistakes.

overwhelmed.

it's official... i am "in over my head," but i think this might be quite perfect. as said before, i will find that i must completely rely on God. i will remind myself that i can do all things through Christ... and only through Christ. He is the rock that is higher than I.

faith.

2009-06-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

now i know you probably know this... and i know it too... nor have i doubted it... but today it seems to have become more real to me. the Bible is amazing. it truly is the Living Word.

today i decided to just randomly pick somewhere to read... and i prayed that God would bring me to the exact passage i needed. then i came to 2 corinthians 4 and i read verses 8 and 9... and then in church tonight he quoted these verses! so i think God might have been trying to get something into my head...

8. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
9. Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

ok, now for some reason i had previously thought that was just a really good quote by some famous dead person... but it's in the Bible! and those verses were exactly what i needed to read... life is often troubling, life is most certainly perplexing, persecution will come; but with a great God, i have no reason to distress! i have no reason to despair! i am not forsaken! this is such an awesome thought to me. God is protecting me, guiding me, loving me. if i will trust Him, i can live a life of peace and joy. i will not let the ups and downs and endless confusions of life waver me. my stability can be found in Christ!

trusting is hard for me though. knowing it is one thing, but putting it into action is a whole other story. i'm a hands-on kind of person. i'm not controlling, but i like to know a situation is controlled. and i want to know how and why and who and where and what and when... but God doesn't work that way. that's kind of the point of faith.

so... i'm learning.

deuteronomy 28:1-9

2009-06-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

1 And it shall come to pass, if thou shalt hearken diligently unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command thee this day, that the LORD thy God will set thee on high above all nations of the earth:

2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God.

3 Blessed shalt thou be in the city, and blessed shalt thou be in the field.

4 Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.

5 Blessed shall be thy basket and thy store.

6 Blessed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and blessed shalt thou be when thou goest out.

7 The LORD shall cause thine enemies that rise up against thee to be smitten before thy face: they shall come out against thee one way, and flee before thee seven ways.

8 The LORD shall command the blessing upon thee in thy storehouses, and in all that thou settest thine hand unto; and he shall bless thee in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

9 The LORD shall establish thee an holy people unto himself, as he hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, and walk in his ways.

it amazes me how much God wants to bless us and how much He has waiting for us if we simply choose to follow Him whole-heartedly... and yet we foolishly choose what we want and what we think we need... as though we know ourselves better than our very own Creator. I know God has a plan better for me than anything I can begin to imagine. I want those blessings that God has promised will overtake me if i follow Him!

finally...

2009-05-14T23:11:00.001-07:00

i'm graduated!!!

graduation shall soon commence!

2009-05-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

oh my word! i logged into my blog and looked at my last post and thought seriously??? that was the last time i posted? SO MUCH IS GOING ON!

i always come up with these random deep thoughts and i think to myself hey, i should blog that! but then i never do. i intend to, but intentions don't often get one far... action does though... action will get you to a lot of places... like... guatemala... what? i don't know.

so i am five days away from graduation... AAAAAAAAH!!! i'm excited to say the least... no seriously, the very least. i took my final final yesterday... and i did well which was a relief... today i had no classes or anything... i worked... now i am sitting at my computer, eating raspberry sorbet. i just sent an 8 page text... good grief.

enough of these random rantings...

i decided the other day, that i would vow silence from the time i woke up to five that evening (because i had to work... and it's rather difficult to work in a coffeeshop silently). several people asked why i did it. there were several reasons... the first was that i had simply always wanted to. the second was because i was inspired by this quote:

Talking is a waste of breath and you cant hold the words or see them.

Or hold people to them.

then i decided that talking really is all to often nothing more than wasted breath, so i gave it up... and you know what? it really wasn't that hard. also, i learned so much from the experience. i learned that we say much that no one cares about. we speak unnecessarily. we don't listen nearly enough. and thinking should be more actively involved in speech.

so give it a try! go a day without speaking. listen. think.

peace, love, and acai berries (cuz they are amazing, duh!)

so different and yet so similar

2009-04-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

in my last post i said something about my life being completely different from what it was a year ago... and in some aspects this is very true... but then i started thinking and here is what i realized... on monday i did the same thing i did a year ago... i went to school, i worked, i went back to campus to hang out, i went to monday night ladies devotions, i walked my friend to the dorm, i stayed around and talked to my friend who was working security, i went home and worked on projects, i blogged, then i fell asleep... basically i'm living the same life but with different classes, different plans, different friends, different ideas, etc...

i think this post might only be interesting to me... so if you read it... sorry.

love, peace, and days without fees!

one month until the rest of my life.

2009-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

ah-hemm...

ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... dogs and cats... trees and flowers... food and drink...

uh............. i would just like you to know i am exactly one month away from graduation!!! ah... yes after 17 years of school it's over! i am now prepared for real life...

ok ok i know it's been real life the whole time... but there were so many days when i just wanted to be done and to do what i wanted to do... whether or not i even knew what that was exactly... i was just done with my monotonous schedule of working, going to school, taking tests, working, doing projects, trying to get some sleep, and starting all over the next day... i didn't want to die doing any of that... seriously, there were days when i thought to myself what if i die doing nothing but preparing to do something that i will never get to do? yeah... only weird people like me think things like that... anyway... then after much distress and a lot of thinking i realized that i knew i was doing exactly what i should be doing... i was in the center of God's will and he had my life planned out... He knows what i am doing and He knows where i am going... such a simple thought and yet it took much time for me to comprehend...

anyway... i am still pressing on with that monotonous life but i'm truly enjoying every moment of it while looking forward to what will come... including graduation and moving to vegas to teach!

i would say nothing new is going on but there must be... because i have been saying nothing new for a long time... and yet my life is completely different from what it was a year ago... however these "new" things can not be pinpointed i suppose... i guess it could include new plans, new friends, new experiences, new influences, etc...

new friends are a good thing... it is amazing to me how much friends influence us... they generally affect every aspect of our lives... mentally, spiritually, socially, etc...

good advice... wish i could say i came up with it on my own

2009-03-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

i just got this in an e-mail and i loved it. i agree with every single one of these. so here are 21 pieces of advice from the email of a 21 year old.

1. give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. marry a man/woman you love to talk to.
3. don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. when you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
5. when you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
6. be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. believe in love at first sight.
8. never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. in disagreements, fight fairly. no name calling.
11. don't judge people by their relatives.
12. talk slowly but think quickly.
13. when someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
14. remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. say 'God bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
16. when you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. remember the three r's: respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for all your actions.
18. don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. when you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. smile when picking up the phone. the caller will hear it in your voice
21. spend some time alone.

welcome back to me

2009-03-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

oh my word... WHERE HAVE I BEEN???

anyway... this year everything good happens on the 13th of the month...

january 13th i went to seattle and salem
february 13th i don't remember but i'm sure it was a good day
march 13th i had my last day of student teaching
april 13th i will figure out some way to make this day amazing
may 13th I GRADUATE COLLEGE!!!
june 13th my birthday
july 13th last day at it's a grind and second day of leadership conference
august 13th something important in vegas
september 13th tbd
october 13th tbd
november 13th tbd
december 13th also tbd

anyway... that's that. I have been really busy with work and school and student teaching... but i'm finished with student teaching now. it was an amazing experience though. i truly enjoyed it... which is a good thing since i will be moving to vegas to teach. you know what the weird part is? a year ago i would have told you i NEVER wanted to be a teacher unless it was overseas teaching english... but now i am so excited... not to say that i want to do it forever but for now i believe it is what's right for me.

other than that my life continues in its monotonous state... did you know that the average human has 60,000 thoughts a day and 95% of those are the same day to day... no wonder we all get stuck in ruts! so i challenge you today to think without boundaries (that's the quote on the dove chocolate i just ate)

to have a life with no purpose is to merely exist and never truly live.

on that note,

peace, love, and bubbles!

what motivates you?

2009-02-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

i have been researching... and surveying... and studying... everyone.

why do people do what they do? what is their driving force? these questions are part of many for a larger study i am doing... but here is a portion for you to read. please, comment. tell me what motivates you.

i have asked many other people what motivates them and here are some of the answers i received:

love
fear of failure
pleasing others
pleasure
desire for success

family
survival
break from monotony
the love of Christ
money
fame
care for others
education
beauty
the next generation
the cross

the list goes on... and tragically i have found that some people simply remain unmotivated. they exist. someone once said, "It is simply not enough to merely exist through life; life is to be lived." ... and might i add... to be lived with purpose. without motivation, without purpose, without goals... i would not know how to get through a day...

but anyway... these thoughts shall be further expounded upon at a later date. but for now, i again ask for your comments... tell me... what motivates you?

# 52

2009-02-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

this is my 52nd post. 52 is my lucky number. don't ask why.... because, molly, (excuse me while i address her since i knew she would ask why) it is because there really is no reason. so if you, like molly, ask why. THERE IS NO REASON. i figured i needed a lucky number and do you know anyone with that lucky number??? no. oh and do you know what? it's amazing how you catch your lucky number being used once you have chosen it.

soooo... moving on... erica requested mention in my blog... so here you are erica. special mention to you. and happy day after your birthday!

anyway... molly and erica are actually standing behind me waiting to leave so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime toooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay goooooooooooodbyyyyyye... [sing it]

mmkay.

peace, love, and windex (the cure-all) and duct tape... "can't leave out duct tape" said by molly.

no regrets.

2009-01-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

when all is said and done, too much is often still unsaid and left undone. do i regret not saying what i should have said... not doing what could have been done... no, i don't think that i do. perhaps i could have changed the results, but perhaps the end results were just as they should be.

it's funny though when we realize how simply we could have changed things once we are past the present...

goals.

2009-01-04T23:51:00.000-08:00

so it begins... another year. i fear making goals, but i will. i didn't last year, and i really regret that. sure, i may have not failed by not reaching preset goals, but by not making goals to begin with, i failed at living. this is far worse. to be without goals is to be without growth. i survey this past year from beginning to end and realize not much has changed within me, let alone all that lies without... for this i lower my head in shame. a whole year of no growth. a whole year wasted. a whole year i can never take back. a whole year of chances never taken, of opportunities never seized, of destinies never reached.

but here i stand at i crossroad. i can further shame myself by making the same mistake, or i can set goals. sure, i may fail. i may be disappointed. i may get frustrated. but i would rather set a goal and fall short than to not even make that first step. that step so pivotal to chagne, to growth, to life.

i'm setting goals. if i fall short, i will still know that i have not failed completely. and if i reach these goals, i will have achieved a sense of satisfaction not even possible without them.

my ultimate goal this year - growth.

by this time next year, i want to look back and see that i have grown in nearly every aspect - spiritually, mentally, socially, etc...

rugs.

2009-01-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

i have a blurb about goal-setting... but i'm not finished, so i will post it later.

for now i have this thought... it's not necessarily the happiest thought, but it's the truth. and though much of what i write is more "upbeat" i never want to stray from what is true.

of this i am sure. the people you let get closest to you will hurt you the most. it is and always will be a part of life. for a while i hoped that i was wrong and that we would simply let the wrong people into our lives, and they were the ones who hurt us. but now i realize that the people who hurt you may be right for you all along. the hurt that they bring will not only teach you to be better prepared, but it will also strengthen you. in the end, the right people who do wrong will bring out the best in you through the pain that is brought.

i have wished for it to be different. that we could be stronger without pain. that we could learn without any mistakes. it cannot be so.

perhaps in wishing for such things, i have deprived myself of a greater strength that i could possess. but i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of letting someone in only to have them leave with no warning whatsoever. i think that often hurts the most when they leave without any indication. i think people compare it to having a rug pulled out from under you. i never quite understood that until recently. you fall. you fall hard.

and you get back up. we all know that. but do we still walk on rugs?

my ultimate wish list

2008-12-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

these are certainly not in a specific order and they are definitely random. some are long term. some are short term. some are easy to accomplish. some are absolutely impossible. some you may not understand. some are on your own list. like i said.... random.

try everything once.
fall in love with the right person at the right time for both of us.
have back up singers echo me every time i say something important.
learn to speak italian.
spend a vacation lying on the beach reading all the books i've been saving up.
acknowledge my weaknesses.
stand on the shore and roar back at the ocean as loud as i can.
compose a perfect haiku.
teach highschool and inspire at least one kid to love literature.
improve my grammar.
visit a new museum each month.
run my own coffeeshop.
learn and use a new word each day.
ride bareback along the beach at sunset.
climb the great pyramid at giza.
see the statue of edgar allen poe in the bronx, new york.
learn something new every day.
live independently and magnanimously.
spend a day at the british museum.
run off with the circus.
lie on the ground in a grove of giant sequoias and just look up.
write a sonnet.
finish everything i start out to do.
tell those i love how much i appreciate them.
spend five days focusing entirely on my senses-one day per sense.
raise a barn.
walk across the golden gate bridge.
ride an elephant in india.
set aside time each day to simply be alone.
summer in a villa in tuscany.
determine what it is in life i want most.
celebrate my birthday on a yacht on the mediterranean.
observe an avalanche (from a safe distance).
study philosophy.
learn to repair my own car.
live without television.
visit a castle in spain.
write a letter to my descendants.
cruise the greek islands.
spend a day watching the sun move across the sky.
create a secret code.
spend a stormy night in a iighthouse on a rocky coast.
visit antarctica to see the emperor penguins.
own and read the complete works of shakespeare.
learn to draw.
live a day without my cellphone... by choice.
travel with no particular destination.
learn to rock-climb.
write a book that changes someone's life for the better.
receive two dozen roses from a secret admirer.
use my time wisely.
tour the great sites of ancient greece.
learn sign language.
pass up the next chance to criticize.
reread all the original nancy drew mysteries.
see the gigantic carved heads of easter island.
learn three jokes that get laughs every time.
spend a month in another century.
get a cup of coffee in seattle.
squeeze the pillsbury doughboy to make him giggle.
milk a cow.
design, build, and decorate my dream house.

deceived daddy

2008-12-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

so to be honest, i'm procrastinating from writing my paper, but i have a funny story to tell...

erica, my sister, and i are all sitting around the table working on projects and whatnot, when my dad comes through heading out to go somewhere. he stops and asks for my card since i owed him money. my sister pipes in and says that she has my card. i quickly tell them that all i have in my account has to go on my school bill. then my dad reminds me that i just got paid. but since i didn't pick up my check yet, that was irrelevant. she then hands my dad a card and says to just use that. assuming it was my card that she claimed to have, i tell him to only put ten. then he tells me that i owe him more than ten since used the car more than once. i reminded him that it does not require ten dollars to go to palmdale and back, especially since gas is less than two dollars a gallon. by this time he was frustrated and storms out. my sister made some comment about not fighting over it. and he says in an exasperated tone, "i know!" then shuts this door with more than necessary force.

the atmosphere was oddly tense.

i was irritated.

then my sister breaks the silence and says "i gave him mommy's card."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

what's in your blood?

2008-12-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

so my mom is really into genealogy. the other day, using ancestry.com she decided to look up our relationship to famous people... i don't know how exactly it works, but she brought me the results. she knew exactly why i would be interested. several of our "famous relatives" were authors. my mom knows me well enough to know i love literature, although she does not know my "favorites." before she showed me the list, she asked me who some of them were. i told her several and then she showed me the list. about half of the authors i had names were my distant... really distant relatives! yeah, we're talking cummings, poe, dickenson, fitzgerald, steinbeck, and austen!

so i thought that was pretty interesting... literature... it's in my blood.

quite possibly the most amazing weekend (plus a monday) of my life.

2008-12-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

so... this last weekend, i went to vegas with my friend julee. we both had job interview at a school there. she was interviewing for an elementary school teacher and i for a high school english teacher.

after getting a late start we made a road trip cd... with a broad variety of songs... everything from "popular" of Wicked to a song sung by my church choir called "My Sin"... anyway 30 minutes into our trip we stopped for coffee. that's actually not important, but i really like coffee so i included that fact...

so after a long trip we arrived in vegas... going through the heart of the city, we saw nothing but sin. i mean i knew it was called "sin city" but i never imagined it that awful... anyway we arrived at the church and found most of the ladies from the church running a "ladies boutique." so to occupy us for a bit, two girls gave us a tour of the church and school... when we were finished, we arrived right at the end of the boutique, so they were just beginning to tear down... we decided we would just jump in and help, so we took orders and helped. it definitely made me feel at home... put me to work and i'm happy.

when we finished that, our friend faith introduced us to some singles in the church and then left us with them because she had other plans that couldn't be changed... now i'm generally an outgoing person, but for some reason i was finding it hard to overcome awkwardness... but we made the best of it... we went to sonic and then attended the singles' bible study and then went over to the teacher's house for food and fellowship. we played some games, but by this time, we were exhausted. we were given directions to our hotel, so we went, found our room, threw our stuff down, and climbed into bed. as we were drifting, i asked my friend how she was feeling about this whole thing on a scale of 1-10... she said she didn't know... my hopes seemed to be quickly diminishing... sigh... sleep.

sleep in. (this is unusual for me since i open a coffeeshop every morning) wake up. get ready for church. we get to church and go to sunday school. we try to make conversation with people around us, but it is still awkward. we are introduced to the class as visitors and potential teachers. so much for avoiding a spotlight this morning. the lesson was good. it was the beginning of a series of lessons, and i was disappointed that we wouldn't be around to hear more in the weeks to come.

when sunday school got out, we went to the morning service. it was a great message. my hopes were beginning to rekindle after the service... when the pastor and everyone else was done greeting and fellowshipping, the pastor, assistant pastor, and their families took us out to lunch. we rode with our friend faith and her friend. her friend was another single in the church who we had not met the night before because she was with faith... anyway, we had a lot of fun with them. when we got to lunch only half had arrived. we ordered our drinks and waited. the rest all came shortly after and we all ordered. sidenote: i got a chicken alfredo pizza... oh my word! amazing. anyway, i was surprised at how comfortable i felt with the pastor and his family. the whole atmosphere was lighthearted and relaxing. i loved it.

after we had our fill, faith had to leave and since she was our ride, we left with her. we went to her house which was beautiful, so she could grab some things. we then went back to church. julee and i went back to the hotel and julee talked on the phone to like a thousand people while i took a nap. i love naps. anyway, i woke up late... no really sure what she was doing, but we had to rush back to church so we wouldn't be late. we were late. now i don't know much, but i'm pretty sure it's bad to show up late to a service for the church you are interviewing with... but what do i know? once again, the service was amazing. strong Bible preaching and good music. after the service, the assistant pastor (also the principal of the school) had one of the other teachers give us a tour of the house that we might be living in.

it was the teachers house, located right next to the church. it was not required to live in, but it was offered. it was a nice house with three teachers currently living in it. they kept it clean and decorated for the most part. it was very comfortable and homey, but i couldn't help but think how nice it would be to have "my own place." but i pushed aside that thought.

from there, we went with a group of people down to the las vegas strip. wow. the last time we had seen it, it was daytime, and it wasn't much to look at. this time it was down-right mesmerizing. but without fail, sin was flaunted everywhere you looked. we parked up on the top floor of a parking garage near the belaggio. i climbed onto a wall that overlooked the city. it was awesome. we took a few pictures then went down to see the belaggio fountains. while waiting for them to start, one of the guys bought all the girls roses which smelled so intoxicatingly good. then they started. the hallelujah chorus played and the fountains shot up. it was truly indescribable. i couldn't take my eyes off them. until they stopped. wow! was all i could say. we waited a little while to see one more. lady luck played. it was still awesome, though not the same as the hallelujah chorus.

the night had come to an end. faith's sister had gone into labor, so she had to get to the hospital. julee and i went back to the hotel. i asked her the same question i had asked the night before. she answered this time with a 6 or 7. i told her i felt the same way. i went to sleep praying that God would just show me what i needed to see the next day. the last day. i prayed He would give me a peace. and then i fell asleep in the middle of my prayer.

more sleeping in. (i really am starting to love this church and school, if for sleeping in alone) we got ready, picked up coffee for us and the principal and went to the school. we talked for a good long while about nearly everything that had to do with the school and what they needed and what we would be doing if we were hired. when that meeting was done, he took us around the school and planned on putting us into classes that we would be teaching should we be hired. as we were following the principal, i caught julee's attention. she knew what i was thinking. "8 or 9," she said with a smile. i smiled back,"I'm thinking a 10." we laughed to ourselves. God had finally brought about the peace i needed.

the principal put julee in the first grade classroom, and then we headed to the english class. they were just ending when we arrived, so the principal decided it was time to meet with me one on one. i went to his office along with his wife, who i had met when she was at the college interviewing. he then gave me an idea of what i would be doing, what he was hoping for, and then gave me a contract. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! yeah... to say the least, i was thrilled. i told him i just needed the final ok from my youth pastor and pastor and then i would mail the contract back. wow. i had a job after i graduated.

julee was done with surveying her class, so it was her turn to meet with the principal. he sent me away to play the piano. (earlier julee and betrayed me and informed him that i played. he then took us to a piano and had me play. he said would probably start me off on the keyboard if i came... WHAT??? i don't want to play in front of people! but of course i did not display such outrageous emotion. i smiled and nodded hesitantly. and then i subtly socked julee.)

when they were done he came and got me and then left us alone in his office for a few minutes. she showed me her contract. i showed her mine. we were like two kids that were just given treasure maps... or something. we quickly shared bits and pieces of what he had talked to us about. then we talked about where we would live. i suggested that we look at apartments just to get an idea. she was definitely excited about that idea. we finished up our excited babble just as the principal returned. he had to go to an appointment, so his wife took us out to lunch.

when lunch was done we looked at apartments. we got prices and ideas and found something that we were both very interested in. i asked the lady who had shown us the apartment to keep in touch with me, especially when next summer came around. she said she would and took down my information. we headed back to the car and just laid back to breathe. we talked about everything that had been going through our heads the past couple of days. oddly enough we were in sync. God had been working in both our hearts.

finally a moment to think. now what? charity's baby! so we headed to the hospital. we went to the front desk where we met the two funniest old ladies i had ever talked to in my life. after a brief conversation and the directions given, we walked away laughing. we found the family there with charity. she looked beautiful for having just given birth within the last 24 hours. then i saw the baby. now, to be honest, usually i think babies are ugly. but he was beautiful. and i got to hold him. it was amazing. i thought i was going to break him. after a good while of holding him, i had to pass him along to grandma. and we realized it was our time to leave. we said goodbye to the whole family and knew we would see them again.

the whole weekend was just amazing. there are so many more details, more thoughts, more conversations that are not included. all of it forming assurance in my mind that this was the place where God wanted me to be. i look forward to graduation, to moving, and to be used by God for His eternal purpose.

"By Greed" - Samuel DeCarvalho

2008-12-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

A report on the books The Flame of Islam by Harold Lamb and A World Lit Only By Fire by William Manchester

Now greed is the pursuit of things hoped for, the desiring of things underserved.

For by it each man has sought to increase his own goods.

Through greed we understand that the shape of history was framed by the lusts of man, so that the things, which are now past, were done through the lusts of man.

By greed Saladin sought to increase the lands of the Moslems beginning in 1168 AD. He was given the title of wazir, because he was thought to be to young to be a threat to the kalif of Cairo. This young general took the responsibility of leading the armies of the Moslems, and rightfully earned his title–“Malik en Nasr”, the Conquering King. He was wise, patience, and chivalrous, yet in all this he still sought to fight the crusading forces that occupied the lands of the East. Slowly, he expanded his power and set himself to take position of Nur ad Din’s armies. After the deaths of his father, Amalric of Jerusalem, and the sultan Nur ad Din in 1174, he began to put plans in motion that would allow him to declare the jihad to take back the lands that the Crusaders had taken. Saladin took twelve years to unite the Moslem tribes beneath him. During this time, he stirred up the wrath of the hashish-chewing Assassins. They sought twice to kill the “malik” but failed. In his greed he sought to destroy their order and besieged Masaif, their citadel. No one is quite sure why, but after threats against his life and mysterious visits in the night by unseen guests, the Conquering King declared peace with the Assassins and was never again molested by their agents.

The king of Islam agreed to a five-year peace with the Crusaders so that he might better organize his armies. And in 1186, the tide burst forth as Saladin crossed the Jordan. He met the Crusaders at Hattin, and their army had walked three days without water when they met him there. In one day, he effectively destroyed the strength of the foreigners in the Holy Land. Thereafter, no one was to stop him as he conquered every fortified city in Palestine and Syria until he came to Jerusalem. With patience, he in his greed took the city letting the citizens buy their freedom and safe passage to the coast. Guy of Lusignan, who broke his faith of peace and who then besieged Acre, he now besieged. He strove hard to break the Crusaders again but failed. He hunted them down as they made their way down the coast.

All this and more he did for greed.

By greed Richard the Lion Heart left England to gain prestige in the Holy Land. Deserting his people in their need he sought glory for himself and adventure. He arrived at Acre in time to bring his siege weapons to bear against the walls and offered rewards to any who would bring back a brick from the leaning wall. He in his greed sought many a combat with the enemy as he charged into them on his horse swinging the great sword every Moslem feared. Brash and daring, he led the Crusaders from Acre, down the coast to Jaffa and led many charges against the shadowing raiders that followed them.

By greed the Church held the world in darkness. Refusing to allow the plebeians the privilege of reading in the vernacular, the Church stamped out the light of intelligence throughout Europe. It held kings in bondage. By the leadership of the pope, the principles of true religion were adulterated and the peoples under its rule were told they must not question its authority. In its grasp the world in darkness sought for light, yet found only the sale of indulgences. The Church sought increase it general coffers at the expense of the people by convincing them that the monetary payment could help expunge one’s guilt. To the Church, the con-artist Tetzel was a hero when he cried, “As soon as the coin rings in the bowl, the soul for whom it is paid will fly out of purgatory and straight to heaven. “ Europe believed that all sin could be forgiven for the right price, because of the Church’s greed. “In 1513 Machiavelli charged that there could be no greater proof of papal ‘decadence than the fact that the nearer people are to the Roman Church, the head of their religion, the less religious they are. And whoever examines the principles on which that religion is founded, and sees how widely different from those principles its present practice and application are, will judge that her ruin or chastisement is at hand.’”

By greed Henry VIII broke from the Church, because of political reasons. His wife, Catherine of Aragon, daughter of Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, was barren. For this he sought to divorce her; therefore, he turned to Pope Clement to legitimize the annulment of the marriage. The pope refused Henry his greed. Henry would not be deterred and the King of England drew up a patient plan to make his mistress, Anne Boleyn, his wife. He had long considered replacing Catherine, but waited ten years to make the break from the Church.

By greed Ferdinand Magellan left his native Portugal to seek help from Spain’s king, Carlos I. He stored up two years worth of supplies for his voyage. He was convinced of the fact that the earth was round and that the east could be reached by sailing west. Having convinced the future Charles V, he in his greed set out from Sanlucar de Barrameda on September 19, 1519, seeking the wealth of the Orient. Warned of mutiny, he treated the dons beneath him rudely. When they revolted, he was prepared to suppress the uprising. This all occurred after the long exploration of the mouth of the Rio de la Plata. He stopped for the winter two days short of reaching the strait for which he had been looking. On October 21, 1520, he passed into the strait that would lead him below Tierra de la Fuego into the Pacific Ocean. When Magellan saw that great ocean, he burst into tears. He and his men crossed the great ocean starving and dying of thirst. It was not till they found the island of Guam did they find any life or drinkable water. He continued unto till he found the Philippines, where he claimed the islands there for the King of Spain. After two years of long travel, his men took a long needed reprieve, yet abused it by overstaying there welcome with the natives. In the islands that Magellan claimed for his sovereign in the name of God, he was killed trying to lead untrained men into a “God-given victory” over a native chief’s enemies that ended in disaster. His men left the islands to complete his journey, in order to find that in circumnavigating the world they had lost a full twenty-four hours. Magellan died without seeing the change he made in Europe because of his greed.

And what more shall be said? For the time would fail one to tell of Baldwin the Leper, King of Jerusalem; and of Raymond of Tripoli; and of Sybil, the king’s sister; and of Guy of Jaffa, King of Jerusalem; and of Balin of Ibelin, defender of Jerusalem; and of Al Adil, brother of Saladin; and of Baha ad Din; and of Taki ad Din; and of Girolamo Savonarola; and of the Borgian popes; and of Nicolaus Copernicus; and of Leonardo Da Vinci; and of Johannes Gutenberg Gensfleisch; and of Desiderius Erasmus; and of Martin Luther; and of Pope Leo X; and of Emperor Charles V; and of John Calvin; and of the Reformers: who through greed subdued kingdoms, wrought unrighteousness, betrayed promises, stopped the mouths of the Truth, enflamed the fire of violence, put the just to the sword, in strength oppressed the poor, turned to fight the armies of the aliens, women received injustice, and others were tortured, accused of heresy and witchcraft. They were cruel, unjust, and selfish. They wandered the deserts destroying others. They sat in palaces living lecherously (of whom the truth was not worthy). And these having lost their good report through greed received not the promise.

"highways..."

2008-11-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

one of the greatest experiences in life is seeing God prove Himself. the other day i was planning my future, attempting to work out the details to my scheme. then God grasped my attention in His still small voice and said, "stop and just trust me." i stopped for all of one minute or so and then returned to my planning. again it came, "stop. trust me." augh! why is it so difficult for me to stop taking things into my own hands??? but i determined not to. "ok God, you have control. whether it is your will or not, so be it. you know what's best for me..."

guess what?

God's plan was by far better than anything i could have concocted.

welcome to the month of thanksgiving.

2008-11-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

umm... so i haven't blogged since october... and november is almost over... but this is not for lack of thought. i have actually had a lot to say. i have a whole notebook full of random thoughts just waiting to be expounded upon and some simply waiting to be typed and posted... and yet here i am not using any of them. this is because before i began posting for the month i wanted to recognize all that i am thankful for... it only seems appropriate. this list does not even begin to scratch the surface of all that i am thankful for, but hopefully it inspires you to be thankful as well... these are in no particular order...

i thank God for my salvation... not by what i do, but what was done on the cross...
i thank God for my church... the people have been pivotal to my spiritual growth...
i thank God for my pastor and youth pastor... i have received the most valuable advice from them...
i thank God for my friends... they have been there for me when i needed them the most...
i thank God for my family... they are crazy, but i love each and every one of them...
i thank God for the Bible first and then the many other wonderful books...
i thank God for music... the kind meant to lift the soul and encourage the heart...
i thank God for clothes... perhaps the only "good" thing that came out of adam and eve's sin...
i thank God for my jobs... they are provisional, but even more so i love what i do...
i thank God for wal-mart and target... source of all artificial living
i thank God for water and air... source of all natural living
i thank God for coffee... it runs through my veins
i thank God for the sun, moon and stars... the heavens declare!
i thank God for skittles... how are they not everyone's favorite candy?

... you see, if you stop and think of all that you have been blessed with... you will find it a lot harder to complain. and in the end you will be a better, more content person for it...

so give thanks!

amazing love!

2008-10-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

have you ever listened to the words to the music you listen to... or sing? today in college chapel we were singing this song, and i was intently listening to the words, when i realized how powereful they were...

"and can it be that i should gain
an int'rest in the Savior's blood?
died He for me, who caused His pain?
for me, who Him to death pursued?

amazing love! how can it be
that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

'tis mystery all! the Immortal dies!
who can explore His strange design?
in vain the firstborn seraph tries
to sound the depths of love Divine!

'tis mercy all! let earth adore,
let angel minds inquire no more.

He left His Father's throne above,
so free, so infinite His grace;
emptied Himself of all but love,
and bled for adam's helpless race:

'tis mercy all, immense and free;
for, o my God, it found out me.

long my imprisoned spirit lay
fast bound in sin and nature's night;
thine eye diffused a quickening ray,
i woke, the dungeon flamed with light;

my chains fell off, my heart was free,
i rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

no condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine!
alive in Him, my living Head,
and clothed in righteousness Divine,

bold I approach the eternal throne,
and claim the crown, through Christ my own."

... sometimes it seems we forget to stop and listen to the various ways God is trying to speak to us... whether it be through His Word, some other person, music, or simply His still small voice... if we don't choose to listen, we are more likely to miss out on all that God has for us. don't let the Christian life become monotonous to you. constantly be aware of what God is trying to show you or teach you. no one has "arrived." we all have alot of work left to be done on is, but we must allow the Creator to have full control.

wake up!

2008-10-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

a friend sent me this podcast... good stuff.

"Stever Robbins here. Welcome to The Get-It-Done Guys Quick and Dirty Tips to Work Less and Do More.

Today's topic is waking up. A listener wrote in, asking: "How do I wake up in the morning? I hit the snooze button a dozen times and still don't wake up. Tired-me knows I should get up, but stubbornly refuses to open my eyes and get out of bed."

Listener, please forgive me for not knowing your name. I have to get up at 6 a.m. for my new job. Your message arrived early in the morning. I was groggy from waking up so I kinda, accidentally, sorta deleted your message by accident. Oops.

As you can tell, waking up is hard to do. I read once that morning people are only 10% of the population. But because they get to work earlier than the rest of us, they control everything. They keep us off-balance by calling 8 a.m. meetings. On Monday. That is the true definition of Evil.

That's because the rest of us don't know how to get up early. "Why not use an alarm clock?" You just don't understand. For some of us, our bodies just don't wake up. They simply refuse. They know at a deep, cellular level that too much morning air can turn you into a chipper, optimistic "morning person," and that would be a tragic betrayal of our pessimistic, fatalistic, cynical selves.

Sleepwalk through the morning

Your question itself has a problem. You ask about waking up early, as if it's possible. It isn't. Trust me. But my in-depth studies have found a solution: sleep walking. When the alarm goes off, don't think "ugh, time to get up." Keep your eyes closed. Get out of bed, keeping your eyes closed. Smile and hum to yourself. Since your eyes are closed, be careful not to step on the beer can, the two-week-old slice of pizza, or the underwear that's probably clean. Head to the bathroom. Brush your teeth and shower, still with your eyes closed, relaxed, dreaming of warm, fluffy things. Like a pillow made of goose down... or your fuzzy rabbit slippers.

You'll find about halfway through your shower, you'll suddenly start to feel more awake. Keep your eyes closed and lazy until you naturally feel the "wake up" call of your body. Then open your eyes and get on with your day.

See, the secret is rhythm. Your guilty feet might got no rhythm, but your sleepy body still does. Your body has a sleep cycle of 45 to 90 minutes. At some points in that cycle, you can wake up easily. At other points, you can't. My sleepwalking technique (and yes, I really do shower while sleeping) really just lets your brain go through the rest of your sleep cycle. The cool thing is that you're just conscious enough that you instantly know when your body's ready to go.

When you use the sleepwalking technique, make sure to move all breakable objects away from the path between your bed and the bathroom. And remember to take off your fuzzy rabbit slippers and pajamas before getting in the shower.

Stretch and think happy thoughts

You can also do things that feel lazy and sumptuous, that get your body moving through its cycle. I like stretching. Trainer Tyler gave me a set of morning stretches. Sometimes I roll halfway over and stretch out my chest when I first wake up. Then I keep rolling, plop onto the floor (ugh. That wasn't the floor. That was the pizza.) and, still asleep, arch and flex my back to get the circulation going.

When you start to feel a glimmer of consciousness, don't just open your eyes and get on with your day. That would be forcing things. Instead, mentally review all the things you're excited about today. Riding in your new car. Seeing that special someone you love so much. If you can't think of anything, think about what you love in life in general. Bluebirds. Ladybugs. Brown paper packages tied up in string (that have been vetted by the Department of Homeland Security, of course). If you truly can't think of anything, go back to sleep. You'll enjoy it better.

Speed up your mental voice

As you ponder the things you're looking forward to, start speeding up your mental voice, talking about those things. Say, "Gee, I can't wait to try on the new lycra-and-plaid pants that Bernice gave me for my birthday!" If you insist on thoughts like, "I don't want to get up" or "It's so warm in bed," just tack on a new, exciting ending. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to lead to more energy. Try it. It works. "I don't want to get up up and away, I'm superperson!" or "It's so warm in bed on the beach when surf's up! Cowabonga!" The secret is to get your mental voice speeded up and having fun.

I hope this helps. The alternative is swapping brains with someone who has insomnia. After all, if they could have your sleepiness at night, and you could have their insomnia in the morning, life would be perfect. Now open your eyes, growl or snort like the Sabre-Tooth Stud-Muffin your are, and go LEAP into your day!"

people come... people go...

2008-10-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

"God doesn't give you the people you want...

He gives you the people you need...

to help you,

to hurt you,

to love you,

to leave you.

... and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

those lovers of darkness...

2008-10-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

so i'm at work... and i keep hearing car horns... so in curiosity i go outside to see what's going on at the intersection... there are a bunch of people out on the corner holding signs... it's too dark to see them, so i ask one of my customers if he knew what they were holding signs for... he said they were "no on prop 8"...

prop 8 states simply, "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid and recognized in california."

NO?!?!?! it saddens me to see how far our country as gone away from God and the teachings of His Word... and it seems as they get farther away from God, they get farther away from intelligence...

if you are gonna make a statement do it when people can actually see what you have to say... however, maybe it's better they stay in the dark... on their corner... or back in their closets...

YES ON 8!!!

mmhmm...

2008-10-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

it's a mystery to me as to why i have not posted this quote yet:

"the end will justify the pain it takes to get us there"

uh yeah... i love it. completely applicable to every Christian. there will be trials. there will be joy. there will be tribulation. there will be blessing. there will be temptation. there will be triumph. there will be defeat. there will be victory. we'll fall down, but get back up. there will be valleys. there will be mountaintops. there will be days where we don't want to get out of bed and face life. there will be days that just don't seem to end soon enough. there will be times that seem almost unbearable. it won't always be easy. but don't worry because, "the end will justify the pain it takes to get us there."

"for the love of sanity... will we slow down already?!"

2008-10-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

it's funny how i keep expecting life to have slower moments... i look forward to some point, telling myself that i will have time to relax then... but i am wrong... life never slows down. i think it may even be picking up speed... so rather than waiting to relax in a time that will never come, maybe i should learn to adjust to the pace of life... perhaps then i will find relaxation in these adjustments...

think before you speak...

2008-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

i will not say what i am thinking. i will think before i speak. i will speak only true words. i will speak honestly. i will speak only inspiring words. i will speak honestly. i will speak only when necessary. i will speak kindly. i will not tear down with what i say. i will do my best not to let others down. i will not offend nor be offended. i will keep my mouth shut before i say something i will regret. i will not try to hurt someone with what i say. i will not gossip. i will not backbite. i will glorify Christ with each word spoken. If i cannot do these things, i will bite my tongue. i will spare all comments and opinions. i will refrain from "chewing out" others. i will not spontaneously say what's "on my mind."

... ok, i'm not perfect. my words have hurt. but i'm a working progress, and these are guidelines i can follow... i want to be one who is remembered for her words. and i want those words that are remembered to be inspiring. encouraging. motivating. beautiful.

interesting... so i quote

2008-10-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

"...this much is already known: for every sensible line of straightforward statement, there are leagues of senseless cacophonies, verbal jumbles, and incoherences..."

if

2008-10-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

this is one of my favorite poems... it is so inspiring... thought-provoking...

if - rudyard kipling

if you can keep your head when all about you

are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

but make allowance for their doubting too;

if you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

and yet don't look too good nor talk too wise;

if you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

if you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

if you can meet with triumph and disaster

and treat those two imposters just the same;

if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

and stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

if you can make one heap of all your winnings

and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

and lose, and start again at your beginnings

and never breathe a word about your loss;

if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

to serve your turn long after they are gone,

and so hold on when there is nothing in you

except the will which says to them: "hold on";

if you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

or walk with kings - nor lose the common touvh;

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

if all men count with you, but none too much;

if you can fill the unforgiving minute

with sixty seconds; worth of distance run -

yours is the earth and everything that's in it,

and - which is more - you'll be a man my son!

pondering life...........

2008-10-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

do you ever wish life was simpler? does life even seem complicated to you? is it us who make life so complicated? do we expect simplicity in a world so complex? why? perhaps this is why we "stress" and become frustrated with the complications of life. we expect a life that basically does not exist. you cannot have everything and in having it cost you nothing. life is complicated. the end. it's as simple as that. if we go through life with this understanding, then we may possibly find that this crazy complicated life is bearable. we stress less. we find peace. peace in an uncertain difficult life.

this peace can be further found in the one and only constant in life. God. He is unchanging. resting in him means we can rest in the "ups" and "downs" of life. stability found in an otherwise emotional roller-coaster. He can be our Rock. He can be our Guide. life seems alot simpler when we simply choose to follow Him.

coffee CAN bring world peace.

2008-10-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

conversation between kristina and jonathan.

i am kristina and jonathan is my friend and co-worker at my coffeeshop...

jonathan: you know how england and ireland don't really get along?

kristina: yeah... i guess... why?

jonathan: well not today!

kristina: and why is that?

jonathan: i just made a latte with english toffee and irish cream. it's world peace... in a cup!!!

kristina: i'm gonna quote you on that.

good advice...

2008-10-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

Several thoughts from Words of Wisdom

• do not disregard your mistakes• love your work, then you will find pleasure in mastering it• appreciate the many things that make your life valuable• don’t criticize others when you are angry with yourself• don’t wait for the ideal time to begin something• grab happiness in the passing moments of life• be afraid only of standing still• be yourself• love always eases pain• plan your work and work your plan• never look back• communicate in a way as to leave as little room for misunderstanding as possible• converse to please others not yourself• it is harder than we remember to be a child• love all, trust a few, do wrong to none• youth’s biggest mistake is lack of originality• not everything can be made sense of • let anger die quickly• use your dictionary• one who cannot tolerate small ills will never accomplish great things• love many things• be patient, patience can wait for anything• make decisions based on the whole picture• eyes are the windows of the soul• your character is your destiny• trust can be destroyed faster than it can be built• we are sometimes taken into troubled water not to drown, but to be cleansed• what you have been taught to believe is not as important as what you know• in life, some things are bigger than they look from a distance• live in harmony with your beliefs and ideals• avoid blaming and comparing• understand the difference between at work and working• face your fears with confidence• get a good night’s sleep• in every fault there is folly• hang on longer than your competition• time is more important to people who do things• use your memory to make life more enjoyable• something ordinary in the past becomes valuable in the future• throughout history, man has attempted to alter his consciousness• he who hesitates is sometimes saved• actively pursue the good in all the particulars of your daily life• regularly examine your motives• whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well• do not pursue fame• learning consists in daily accumulation• love without expectations• the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray • all questions will eventually be answered• be original• do something of your own design• do not become angry with people who do not agree with your opinion• perform acts of goodness from within• do not become what you cannot stand• believe in yourself with all your tenacity• dream big• leave nothing for tomorrow that you can do today• chop your own wood; it will warm you twice• parts of life are left to chance• most things in life are taken for granted• you can never go wrong with keeping your mouth shut• there is no time like the present• the important thing is not the triumph but the struggle• never hate the truth• enjoy what you have, let the fool hunt for more• comedy is all about timing• leave them laughing• believe in the goodness of others• a person is not deceived by others, he deceives himself• put your mind in gear before you put your tongue in action• you do not know you’ve learned something until after the fact• remain open, flexible, and curious• visualize better days ahead• solve problems instead of making them worse• be the solution• love books• read as much as you can• it isn’t what you do, it’s the way you do it• let the world come to you• don’t make commitments you don’t plan to keep• remember the lessons you’ve learned• sometimes things that hurt, teach• teaching someone to do something is like relearning it yourself• the innocent bystander often gets beaten up• you cannot have enough ideas• every calamity is a spur to action• worry about today before tomorrow• the young should love life like the old• live each day as if it were your last• when you believe in something you become eloquent• it is loving and giving that makes life worth living• a lover’s faults cannot truly bother you• mind your own business• why worry?• understand what you know• your greatest contribution to the sum of things is yourself• any plan that cannot be changed is a bad one• yesterday will never come again, but you have today• all new fashions eventually become old• if you buy happiness on installment, the installments last much longer than the happiness• he who laughs, lasts• respond to rudeness with kindness• love many, hate few• learn to paddle your own canoe• if you can pull your own weight, you can pull 5 percent more• men and women may be different from each other, but their souls can still be combined to form one• always make your bed• nurture your friends• show your good manners by putting up pleasantly with bad ones• weakness breeds evil• nature is imitated by art• you will always be able to clothe yourself , if you know how to sew• remember where you came from• listen with your eyes• willpower is the ultimate power• understand more than you can explain• envy and fear are the major causes of hatred• you’re as young as you feel• chew everything thirty-two times• you must run to win the race• everyday is a clean slate• scribble down your thoughts as you have them• personality open’s doors, character keeps them open• when you really like someone, tell them• let experience guide you• forgive and forget• no person experiences an emotion that has not been felt by someone else• everyone is an amateur at death• dreams should always be optimistic• getting mad seldom helps your cause• lying is usually more difficult than telling the truth• don’t mind if others don’t share your convictions

to think.

2008-10-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

each year that brings a multitude of changes still surprises me... you would think i should be used to it by now, but with every reflective moment i am continually shocked that so much can happen in such a short time... it seems that in my day to day routine, my life is tragically monotonous... i feel as though i'm mindlessly pacing myself into a rut that continues to be worn down in my repetitiveness... so much tho that before i awaken to my habitual wanderings, i have thoughtlessly walked myself into a grave of an unchanged life... a life that has left no impact beside the impact of worthlessness to my own self... what is life if we continue without change... without growth... without influence?

yep... still here...

2008-09-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

so... i still have not rid of it yet. my poor blog... it is left hanging in my indecisiveness...

i'm researching the life of marcus aurelius... he was truly a fascinating individual... i hope to post in the future on some of what i learn of his life... but for now i leave you with this...

"i do my duty:

other things trouble me not:

for they are either things without life,

or things without reason,

or things that have rambled

and know not the way."

hmm...

2008-09-16T21:54:00.001-07:00

i have frequently been contemplating getting rid of this blog.

i fear it has lost its purpose and even more, i fear i am losing my passion.

writing lately has become more of an obligation. i wanted to do it for me, but perhaps in pursuing my wants rather than surrendering it to God's will, i have lost the potential that lies within.

my blog, my thought book, and anything else that bears the random blurbs from my head have all become rather bland.

what to do...

camp!

2008-08-17T00:08:00.001-07:00

i have been back for a while, but i haven't taken the time to blog about it. camp was amazing. God changed me. God used me. God blessed me. let me tell you about it now.

the first couple of days i was there, i spent time with a good friend kim and her kids. her husband was out of town preaching, so i kept her company. i was also able to spend time with her daughter kallie, who i love. she is absolutely adorable. also in such a short time, i was able to have some great conversations with kim that really encouraged me spiritually.

in this time, i met up with some old friends from camp the year before and began to meet several new people. the staff at camp was awesome and everyone was very welcoming.

the next week, i was a counselor. when i first found out about the girls who would be in my cabin, i was slightly overwhelmed with the spiritual issues i knew i would be facing. but i gave it over to God and asked Him to use me however He could. soon after, i found out one of the girls in my cabin, who had been there previous weeks, was being sent home. a little later that evening, that girls best friend came to me crying and told me that her friend had been saved. just before going home, she finally broke down and saw her need for a Savior!

it was a great start, and by the end of the week the best friend and another girl in my cabin got assurance of their salvation. there were also several other awesome decisions made. God used me far more than i truly deserved!

the next week i did a variety of things. i was a babysitter. i worked in the office. i was a counselor. i was a store worker.

when the week began i was a little bummed that i would not be a counselor because i figured i wouldn't be able to have an influence on anyone, and i really wanted to be used. God knew. and how could i have forgotten that God can use me no matter where i am?

one day i was working in the bookstore and one of my campers from the last year came in and talked to me. she saw that i was reading a book and asked me to read her some of it. it was "different by design" by cary schmidt. after reading just a portion she was impacted. she asked if she could give me money so that i could send her one. i just gave her my copy. we continued to talk about a multitude of things, and then she left.

the next day, she came to me in excitement and thanked me. i asked her why. she said that in our conversation from the day before, she realized she had never made the decision to accept Christ as her Savior, so she did that night. God could use me! and just the other day, she told me that she had been reading the book and loving it, and all her friends were fighting over who would read it next. how awesome is that!

anyway, there are so many more stories. it was an awesome two weeks! i really wish i could have been there the whole summer, but God has a perfect plan.

i hope to go there next summer, but we'll see where He leads.

g'night :)

His Way.

2008-08-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

its funny how we can go through life without the slightest expectation of something amazing happening... and then BOOM! something amazing happens.

and you realize how life-changing that something is.

and you remember how much you wanted, but never imagined it.

and you don't know how you could have been without for so long.

and you wonder how something could so perfectly fall into place.

only God.

isaiah 55:8,9 - "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

o pointless torture blog

2008-08-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

so... it's kinda been a while.

and alot has happened...

and i have wanted to blog about it...

but i don't think i can yet.

let's just say, God is amazing. His timing is perfect. He will prove Himself in the most unexpected of ways... trust Him. trust the authorities He has placed in your life. it's worth it.

you're curious now, aren't you?

too bad.

ihateairports

2008-08-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

congratulations! you have been chosen for a "random security check"... blah blah blah...

random my foot.

now when i go through security, i expect my stuff to be gone through thoroughly and to be patted down awkwardly by some airport woman...

i have it memorized and i have even begun making friends with these people... on my way back to los angeles i began chatting with my security friend from my "random screening" about my mac comp... he asked if i was a former pc user... and i said yes, once i went mac, i'll never go back... he raised his hands in jubilation and said, another one's been converted... he then said i could have my stuff back and walked away...

well good to know i'm not a security threat.

oh the comedic tragedies of my life...

2008-07-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

so here's a story for you...

last night i'm at wal-mart getting some necessities before i leave for camp. about halfway through my spending journey, i randomly decide to check to make sure i have my debit card with me... and what do you know? i don't. so i frantically search through my purse, my pockets, and my work apron... nothing. so i think back. the last time i had used it was at jack-in-the-box, and i seemed to remember placing my card in the bag with the food. no! i had thrown my card away, and i was sure of it.

i purchased the absolute necessities with my emergency cash and returned to work where i had left a few more of my belongings. i searched through those, but to no avail... so i searched again... and again to no avail. i knew it had come down to one thing, i had to check the trashes. so i did, but i knew that i had taken almost all the trash from earlier that day to the dumpster... i paused. was it worth it? i could just get another card... but i was leaving in six days, and there was just no time... so i made the decision... i was checking the dumpster.

i was able to use a stick to pull out the first couple of trash bags. nothing. my jack-in-the-box bags were still somewhere in that cavern of filth... and i could no longer reach the rest of the bags. i was faced yet again with an unpleasant choice... i hesitated. gross. no. i have to. so with my sisters help, i climbed into the dumpster. ew. luckily it was not very full, and i had thrown several large, broken down boxes in there earlier, so i was able to use them to walk on....

i began to search through the bags... i waded through the remains of panda express, kentucky fried chicken, it's a grind, and a nail salon... and you cannot even began to comprehend the smell of those rotting things combined. again i say ew. i did not find what i was looking for until the very last bag. just my luck. and to make things even worse, no debit card. i had just dug through the Lord only knows what for nothing. nothing. NOTHING!

i climbed out of the dumpster, thanks to my brute strength, and returned dirty and disappointed. i decided to look once more through my stuff. nothing in my bag. nothing in my apron. nothing in my laptop case, nothing in my journal, nothing in my book, nothing in my... then let out a shout of frustration! it was in my Bible. i had checked it two or three times, but found nothing, yet it was there the whole time! why? WHY?!?!

at this point, i no longer knew how to feel. should i be frustrated? should i be relieved? so i laughed. i should have expected it. such is my life.

by the way...

2008-07-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I GOT MY MAC!!!

and i absolutely love it.

yep that's it.

byeagain.

well hello... it's kind of been a while...

2008-07-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

so i haven't blogged in quite a while i realized...

life has been really busy, and yet not much has happened. sad.

i really don't have any stories from the last month. no life changing circumstances... WAIT! so it looks like we might be moving... let me tell you why this is life changing... i live in the garage. with no windows. i was basically forced to live in this box for the last three years of my life... so when my parents informed us that they were looking at houses... i joked around and said they better find a house with a bedroom with two windows for me... and guess what??? the house that they were most interested in buying has a bedroom with two windows! life changing indeed. we should be moving around september 1, so i'm stoked.

anyway... i will be going to wisconsin in a week, so i should have some stories from camp chetek coming. i love that place.

so on a completely different note, here something to ponder.

john 14:1 says, "let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me."

sometimes i get to this point where i get so caught up with my emotions that i get really frustrated, and i realized that it is then that i not longer trust in God. it is only when i trust in God completely that i do not let circumstances trouble me. i am "emotionally stable" and have the ability to take on whatever may come, and through it all, remain fixed.

mmkay back to work i go.

peace, love, and cookie crisp. (and to all those who have never had cookie crisp, i'm sorry for you.)

kthnxbye4real.

twentyone. 21!

2008-06-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

yeah... so i'm 21 now.

on my twenty-first birthday, i woke up really early and went to work.

i got off at 11... went home and found a box in the mail for me! it was a birthday present from... bob... and it was bombdiggidacious. which basically means it was the best birthday present ever! yeah... that's how great it was. after that, i went with my friend ashlee and my sisters to santa monica... i love that place! we went to the swings for a little while... then we went and played in the ocean... i caught a sand crab... then we layed on the beach... and i took a nap... it was AMAZING... then we went to the pier and wreaked havoc upon the shops... then we went on the new ferris wheel. it was great fun. after all of that we headed home. oh, and somehow during all of this, i consumed an entire bag of sunflower seeds.

i ended the day eating my favorite birthday icecream - mint m&m... well amen.

21

wow.

living and learning

2008-06-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

our first opinion of someone is rarely right. what we see initially is merely the result of a deeper being. we never see one's past. we never see the pain. we never see one's driving force. we never see the ultimate dreams. these deeper issues are only shown at will. to see them requires time and mutual trust. therefore, to form a concrete opinion after only moments of interaction, is to deprive yourself of truly getting to know someone. you will miss out on a friendship and the chance to learn from another's life experience. everyone has a story. everyone has some knowledge to impart. take the time to learn from another. even if that relationship lasts for only a brief moment in the expanse of time. you may learn something that you will remember for the rest of your life.

a good day.

2008-06-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

today was a good day.

i slept in... which is a great start to any day. then i watched anastasia... i love that movie. after that i went out with my mom and sister for sushi. i had never had sushi before, and i was unsure about whether i would like it or not. good news. i LOVE it. sooooo good! so after that we went to berrystar. i looooooooooove that place. it's frozen yogurt with a huge selection of toppings... i always get the same thing. raspberry and chocolate yogurt. white chocolate and dark chocolate chips. coconut slivers. candied pecans. chocolate drizzle. and a cherry on top. AMAZING!

anyway... after all that eating, we went shopping with my mom. got a few things. and then went home. my sister and i played some basketball. i'm no good. i can't hit a free throw or a lay-up to save my life... three pointers however, i often make everytime. weird.

after that my sister and i made dinner. chinese chicken salad. some may thing that this cannot be the main course. but after we get done with the salad, you can't eat much more... or you implode.

so that was pretty much my day. it was very relaxed, and i'm glad i finally had a whole day off. how it happened i will never know.

now we are watching the lakers game and i must focus... so...

g'night.

blahddy blah blah blah.

2008-06-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

yeah... so i haven't blogged in while...

life has been pretty busy... work mostly... and a little sleep.

i did actually get a little bowling in... generally, i am a terrible bowler... but this time i played really well... i bowled over 100 in all six games which is a miracle... i beat my opponent three games... also a miracle... and i bowled a personal record with a score of 135... but i still lost the last game bet... and i owe subway... oh well.

i love subway.

anyway, another reason i haven't blogged lately is because my laptop is now... "out of service." sigh. i was at work on wednesday and my friend was online... then all of a sudden... he calls me and says something to the effect of "uh... yeah, this is not good" i look at my screen and what do you know... some program is alerting me that i have 59 various viruses... yeah... not cool. so i pretty much turned it off and haven't turned it back on since... well i did once... but it could barely function... so i backed up my files... and left it to die...

but on another note!

i'm getting a mac now. i have been wanting one for a while... but i was waiting for the right moment... and with the death of my former laptop... it seemed like a good moment... i'm just waiting for my next paycheck... and then i will get it... and with it... i get an ipod touch... i have also always wanted an ipod so i am excited.

moving on...

yeah... actually nothing else interesting has happened lately.

i'm not going to sleep, but i'm going back to my multiple conversations on facebook... and texting.

g'night.

choices

2008-06-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

i'm reading two books on choices right now... so i have been thinking alot about the power of a choice... here are some random thoughts:

there is a moment... merely a moment in which one choice can determine the rest of your life... you can only know one consequence to that choice... there is no turning back, no do-overs, no rewind... when that moment comes, carefully consider what could lie ahead... consider the results that affect not only you, but also the people you love...

one person wrote: "each morning you make a choice - you choose to move forward or simply give up. will you let down your defenses and find solace in someone unexpected? will you reach out? will you face your greatest fear bravely and move forward in faith? each day is a choice... what will you choose?"

it amazes me how choices that seemed insignificant can often define me and who i am today. each choice creates a domino effect leading to this present point. here, i survey the past realizing i never knew i'd be standing here. what lies ahead? i cannot say... but i go on with the realization of the power of the smallest choice.

g'night.

inhibitions

2008-06-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

inhibitions. sometimes good, sometimes bad.

inhibitions... some may ask what an inhibition is exactly... well, to put it simply it's something that blocks or suppresses. it could also be defined as an unconscious restraint of a desire or an impulse.

to a certain extent, inhibitions are good. they can keep us from doing things we shouldn't do and saying things we shouldn't say despite our desire to act upon our thoughts.

i am sure many are grateful for the natural inhibition found within us. for example, i am a very impulsive person. without inhibitions, i would probably break the vast majority of "social norms," altogether disregarding the boundaries that have been set by society over the ages.

i would also speak and write more freely... ah! but how nice this would be. it is in this aspect where i can see that not all inhibitions are necessary. sometimes we are inhibited by fear. then, such inhibitions are unhealthy and keep us from truly reaching our potential or experiencing life to its fullest.

fear of failure should never keep you from doing what you love.
fear of rejection should never keep you from saying how you truly feel.

what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF JUNE!!!

2008-06-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

i didn't blog yesterday... i had every intention of doing so... i wanted to say farewell to the month of may... but it is now too late and may is long gone... but that's ok because june is here!

here are some reasons why june is so great!

the month of june is known as:

dairy alternative month (i'm all about soy milk)
effective communications month (i have written about the importance of communication)
national ice tea month (green tea and white tea being my preference)
national candy month (SKITTLES!!!)
potty training awareness month (who comes up with these things?!)

here are some special weeks in june:

week 1 - national sun safety week (summer's here! bring out the sunblock!)
week 2 - national flag week (red, white, and blue... stars and stripes... etc...)
week 3 - universal fathers week (i love my daddy <3 )
week 4 - carpenter ants awareness week (once again i ask... who comes up with these?!)
week 5 - fish are friends, not food! week (finding nemo!!!...... i still eat fish though... shhh.)

and here are some special days in june:

june 1 - pen pal day (write a letter!)
june 7 - banana split day (i love these things!)
june 10 - ball point pen day (i love writing... therefore i love pens!)
june 13 - FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!!!... and the birthday of yours truly :)
june 15 - fathers day (dads!)
june 19 - garfield the cat day (haha!)
june 22 - stupid guy thing day (hmmm....)
june 23 - let it go day (i'm looking forward to this... although i could let whatever it is go now...)
june 24 - celebration of the senses day (taste, sight, sound, feel, smell, and that sixth sense)
june 27 - decide to be married day (well okay then...)
june 27 - happy birthday to you day? (but my birthday was the thirteenth?!?!)
june 30 - please take my children to work day (... i don't have kids... haha!)

so that's that.... celebrate this june month!

... and happy first day of june!!! (even though it is now almost over... and it might already be depending on where you live... oh well...)

g'night.

first impressions

2008-05-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

a few days ago, i randomly asked several of my friends what their first impression was of me… many said similar things, but there was still a variety of answers. one person thought i was really friendly, funny, and outgoing while another thought i was a rich snob! ha! the girl who thought i was a rich snob clarified that i was obviously not like that at all… anyway, in response several people asked what my first impression was of them. upon thinking about it, i came to the conclusion that i really don’t have first impressions of anyone. i generally remember meeting everyone for the first time, but i rarely form an opinion. maybe i subconsciously realize that enough people have formed wrong opinions that i don’t want to do the same to others… in any case, i don’t.

anyway, all of this thinking got me to think some more about first impressions in general, and this is what i came up with.

first impressions often have two parts: the one impressing and the one being impressed. i believe the one impressing should always be in constant awareness that he is ever-leaving first impressions and he cannot expect another to understand what he is dealing with… and since we are all at one time the one impressing, that statement is applicable to everyone. secondly, i believe that the one being impressed should be careful not to judge too quickly because you never know what someone is going through at any given moment. and since we are all at some time being impressed, this statement is applicable to all as well.

basically we must live constantly with the realization that we may be judged and we cannot take offense and also that we should never judge.

so that’s that I suppose. take it however you like, but ponder it.

g’night.

oh go blog about it!

2008-05-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

i made up a new phrase today...

my friend lauren was complaining about something... who knows what it was at the time... she is always complaining... about EVERYTHING... i am mostly kidding because i know she will read this and laugh... and then come find me and kill me... okay back to my story... she was complaining about some tragedy and i said... "oh, go blog about it!"

how clever i am!

i think i will copyright the phrase... i mean, already lauren is trying to steal it, use it, and say she came up with it... but be not fooled, dear reader, she is a wolf in sheep's clothing... or goliath in a david body... or something.

anyway... today was a day. really busy. i worked from 7:30am to 9:30pm... only with a break between 12 and 1... too many people demanding coffee these days, let me tell you... okay i won't but i'm serious. anyway, i'm tired, but i still have alot to do... I NEED COFFEE... people demanding coffee... i understand. now go blog about it!

um, kthnxbye.

g'night.

dream

2008-05-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

"first, when everybody tells you that you are being idealistic or impractical, consider the possibility that everybody could be wrong about what is right for you. look inside yourself the way nobody else can. will the pursuit of your dream hurt anybody? do you stand at least a fair chance of success? if you fail, will you be seriously damaged of merely embarassed? if you succeed, will it change your life for the better? when you can persuade yourself that your dream is worthwhile and acheivable - then say thank you to the doubters and take the plunge... how much better to know that we have dared to live our lifes dreams than to live our lives in a lethargy of regret."

... just a thought... i'm going to bed.

g'night.

e.e. cummings

2008-05-27T12:17:00.001-07:00

yesterday, i went to sleep early... before nine... i don't think i have done that since jr. high... anyway, because of this i never got a chance to blog. i wanted to post this poem because i love it! e.e. cummings is quite possibly my favorite poet...right next to edgar allen poe and robert frost. i am working on getting the complete works of e.e. cummings, but the book is at least forty dollars... which may not sound like alot, but to a poor college student, it is. my birthday is coming up soon though, so i think i already know what my birthday money is going towards... well here is one of his poems, enjoy!

anyone lived in a pretty how town - e.e. cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did.

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then) they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain